Well This Is Pretty Darn Disgusting News

At least seven Andover, Massachusetts high school basketball players have been punished for what can only be described as one sticky hazing situation. Two students have been expelled from school while the other five have been kicked off their team after they forced two younger teammates to play the most disgusting game of one-on-one of their lives.

During some good old team hazing, the two younger players were forced to play the classic game “Ookie Cookie”, AKA “Cookies n Cream” or “Wet Biscuit”. If you’re unfamiliar, the game involves multiple males pleasuring themselves and releasing their ejaculates onto a cookie, with the last person to climax being forced to eat the cookie. And yet girls laugh and call me a two-pump chump.

The two ringleaders of the hazing were expelled while the others involved received suspensions for an unknown amount of time and will not be allowed to compete in school sports for the remainder of the school year, sources said.

In a letter to parents yesterday, Superintendent Marinel McGrath said her investigation confirmed students violated the schools’ anti-hazing and anti-bullying policies, and called the players’ actions “both disappointing and disturbing.”

(Via the Eagle Tribune)

Disappointing and disturbing? How about horrifying and life-altering? Screw expulsion and being kicked off the team. The guy who “won” this game already got his ass out of dodge and transferred to a school in another district. But the guy who ate the cookie? He needs to transfer to another continent, which is totally unfair. The only just punishment for these kids is eye for an eye.

The poor guy who was forced to eat the cookie should not only be allowed to prepare an entire meal for the 7 guys involved, but he should be able to air their buffet of bodily fluids on TV. I suggest something pube-based with a carb-light doo-doo sauce, and if they need a venue for the meal, I recommend in the middle of the Mass Pike.