One of the more low-key distressing aspects of this baseball postseason, the sort of low-hum gutterism that we’ve all learned to adjust our mental tuners to over the last 11 months, has been the constant advertisements for FS1’s wretched studio programming throughout the ALDS and the ALCS.
It’s hard not to pity (and also envy!) the poor baseball fan who has, up to this point, avoided the devolving discourse of our sports shouting world only to suddenly learn, during the most important baseball games of the season, that the competitions unfolding are viewed by the networking airing them simply to be grist for two morons screaming banalities at each other.
Somewhere, there is an elbow-patch-jacketed octogenarian Yankees fan — the kind that has only interacted with commentary through Roger Angell essays — who will discover this October that current conversations on athletic prowess revolve around “cyber humans” and the supposed libtard bias of sports telecommunications executives. This octogenarian will immediately alter the DNR orders for his friends and loved ones.
While the constant plugging of retrograde dipsh*ttery feels particularly abrasive and demoralizing in the age of Fox Sports and the pivot to sure-let’s-be-kind-and-actually-call-this-crap-“video,” it is worth remembering that the use of nightly baseball programming has long served mostly to take terrible programming and music and Clockwork Orange it into our skulls. The NBA Finals is spread out over what I believe to be several months; the Super Bowl is a one-shot extravaganza of Left Sharks.
But the World Series is unique in that it is nightly and incessant, which means when a network decided that it wants to promote something, you will not be able to escape it — not then, not tomorrow, not ever.
Thus, we bring you blasts from the past that never really left, the Ghosts of October Promotions Past, the pop cultural tidbits from old World Series and MLB postseasons that drove us insane back then and still rattle inside our skulls now.
You might still hate these songs and TV shows, but you do have to admit that they are decidedly not Jason Whitlock.
“Written in the stars … from a million miles away”
After hearing this every 10 seconds of the 2011 postseason, it was a legitimate surprise to learn that it was a real song, with a video and lyrics and a chorus and everything. (Piano guys must stay inside; rappers get to hang out on the roof.) The worst part about this song is that, as a Cardinals fan, the 2011 World Series was the best sporting event of my lifetime… but it is nearly impossible to think of it without remembering this song. I suppose it is ultimately apt punishment.