Merry Christmas, everyone is bleeding. Or, at least, everyone on 9-1-1 is bleeding. That’s the thing about this show. Yes, there are long extended bits about Peter Krause and Angela Bassett falling in love and getting engaged. Sure, Jennifer Love Hewitt hates Christmas because the abusive ex she’s running from made it miserable for her and, surprise, he’s back and stalking her new beau, the firefighter who had a piece of rebar jammed through his forehead in the first season. All of that happened, and more, but also a lady got her nose lopped off by a mistletoe-carrying drone and that is way more fun to write about so I’m going to do that.
The nose-lopping wasn’t the only holiday catastrophe in the episode. There were four total, ranging from hilarious to heartwarming, from salacious to sweet, and not a one of them had a single thing to do with any of the actual plot. This was 9-1-1 at its best, long stretches of melodrama punctuated with frantic unrelated chaos, like running in a marathon where the organizers periodically release a tiger. I’m just here for the tigers.
EMERGENCY NUMBER ONE
We open on a bickering couple. That’s how you know it’s going to be a good emergency. It happens a lot on this show. The best was the time a doofus dad was pushed into spending time with his son and 90 seconds later they were both floating into the sky in an untethered bounce house. This time, a guy is pissed about his neighbor’s light display getting more attention than his. He’s so pissed, just standing there gawking at the crowd and seething about it. His wife tries to put things in perspective by telling him to just be thankful for all they have.
His response: “No. I have a better idea.”
He then climbs onto his roof to inflate a giant snowman and gets heaved down the shingles in the process. Lots of emergencies on this show are preposterous but this one feels almost too real. I personally know at least three people this could happen to. The most wonderful time of the year.
EMERGENCY NUMBER TWO
A busy warehouse. Employees packing toys and other such festive bric-a-brac into boxes. A robotic crane swings about to carry the boxes and whoooops it brains a guy and he ends up unconscious in a sealed and shrink-wrapped box headed for an airplane. His oxygen is running low. He dials 9-1-1 and gets Jennifer Love Hewitt.
That’s about all there is to this one. The first responders board the plane before it takes off and remove him from the box in the nick of time. The most upsetting part of the whole thing is that the action was set to “Wonderful Christmastime” and that song should be burned in the fireplace while a better Christmas song plays. Paul McCartney seems like a nice man but if I ever meet him we will have words about this song.