I am going to tell you the secret to watching 9-1-1, Fox’s new show about Los Angeles first responders. The secret is to fast-forward through all the talking parts and just watch the emergencies. I started doing that about halfway through the first season. It’s made my life so much better. The show isn’t bad or anything. It’s fine, mostly. But there’s just a lot of talking about infidelity and caring for an aging parent and, man, I’m busy and just want to see the wild stuff happen. Show me pregnant ladies flying into labor during yoga. Show me firemen kicking in windows to save people in skyscrapers. Show me narcoleptic dudes almost getting cut open by a coroner but then waking up on the table and scaring the coroner so much that he passes out and slices himself open with his own saw. Show me all of it, with no filler. So that’s what I did. I stand by it.
The first season is now over. In the interest of providing you with an even more streamlined version of the show than I gave myself, I will now give you the top ten craziest things that happened during this historically crazy opening season. It says a lot about this show that these things did not make the cut:
- The time a burglar tried to flee a crime scene on a motorcycle and a fireman blasted him with the hose and he flew off the bike with so much force that it looked like he drove over a land mine
- The time a fireman pulled a 10-foot tapeworm out of a man’s rectum after the man ate a big sushi dinner
- The time they saved a little girl in an electrified pool and everyone all celebrated and stuff while the girl’s dead nanny — I’m sorry, “manny” — floated around next to them
It’s a lot. Let’s dive in.
10. The Face-Eater Thing
Angela Bassett has had a freaking wild year on this show. We’ve covered this extensively in the past and will get to it more here as well, just because it’s all very unavoidable. In this particular case, she was called out to a public park where an intoxicated man was eating another man’s face. The face-eater then charged at Bassett and Bassett put him down. The best part, however, came afterward when she explained it to Connie Britton.
Yeah, that’ll do it.
9. The Roller Coaster Thing
An overweight man got on a rollercoaster with his skinny friend. The bar that was supposed to secure them got stuck on the heavy guy’s belly and left the skinny guy in there all loose. The coaster hit a hill mid-ride and the skinny guy went flying out of the car and fell to his death in front of hundreds of children. This happened in the second episode.
It took them less than two full episodes to get to “man killed on rollercoaster.” What a show.
8. The Mean Teen Thing
So Angela Bassett’s daughter tried to kill herself. She had a lot going on. Her parents’ marriage was falling apart because her father just came out of the closet and cartoonishly mean rich girls are picking on her at school. So Bassett, who also has a lot going on, showed up at the rich girl’s house during a drug-fueled daytime house party and arrested her for…
I was not aware “being a skanky ho” was a crime.