‘The Americans’ Anxiety Report: Someone Please Get Mischa An Umbrella

04.05.17 10 Comments

The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.

10. Oleg’s Dad (Last week: Not ranked)

Oleg’s dad just wants his son to settle down and be happy. Find a nice lady, have a few kids, maybe buy a little house a few blocks away so the grandkids can waddle over every now and then. Classic grandpa goals. What’s so wrong with that? I mean, besides the fact that his methods involve inviting three young women over to compete for his son’s affection at the same dinner table like some sort of absurd awkward ambush Dating Game spinoff where you can see the contestants’ humiliated faces and one element of your decision involves the preparation of mashed potatoes.

He’s trying. That’s all I’m saying.

9. Oleg’s Dinner Guests (Last week: Not ranked)

Those poor girls. My God. Imagine how awkward that whole thing must have been, especially during the wait for Oleg to come back from work. Do you think the first one to show up just thought it was going to be her there, alone? And then the second one showed up and she was like, “Wait a second…” and then the third showed up and she was like “What the hell?” What about that third one, walking into a house with a covered dish, ready to meet an eligible young man, only to see two other women already at the table, just as confused as she is. And what if Oleg had hit it off with one of them? Would the other two have stayed through dessert, just twiddling their thumbs and wanting to crawl under the floor and into the cold Soviet dirt to escape the whole situation?

It’s not ideal.

8. Assorted American Bug Scientists (Last week: 5)

Ben and Deirdre are safe now — mostly, probably — thanks to the revelation that Ben is trying to produce bug-resistant grain and not grain-destroying bugs, but they still make the list as a reminder that no American bug scientist is ever really safe. Mistakes happen, after all. Poor Randy. He never did anything to anyone. He was just some dork who didn’t know enough facts and SNAP that was the end of him. Reminder to stay on your toes out there, scientists. You never know.

They also make the list because Deirdre might still have information to provide based on the Lotus 1-2-3 program, and Ben might get whacked with a cookie sheet someday for being an insufferable know-it-all doof.

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