The Bachelorette premieres on Monday, May 23, which means one important thing: It is time for the contestant bios. If you are not familiar, let me quickly educate you. Each contestant on the show does a kind of questionnaire where they all answer basically the same questions, and then ABC picks the highlights and posts them online under a photo as a way to introduce viewers to the men who will be vying for the Bachelorette’s heart. Also, they are the best. I kind of don’t even want to explain anymore. I just want to show you.
So, as a public service, I scoured each bio for the best/weirdest/funniest answers, and then I narrowed them down to the top 10. I mean, 10-ish. Some have two or three parts. There is a method here. Also, it was very hard.
Away we go.
All right, Chad. Dazzle me.
Who do you admire most in the world and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
All hail our new Bro King. Bring him the finest cargo shorts and lite beer in the land.
Okay, Brandon. One chance to come on strong. Whatcha got?
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, hopeless. I see love everywhere. I want to experience someone from the inside out. I want The Notebook-type of experience.
Oh God. Oh no. “Experience someone from the inside out.” This sounds bad. Quick, fix it. Fix it!
Who is the person you love most in this world and why? My mother. She is the kindest, most open and loving person I know.
I don’t want to say Brandon might be a serial killer, but if someone told me they wanted to experience someone from the inside out and then professed a love for their mother in those terms, I’d at least consider calling the police. Potential Norman Bates situation.
This is my No. 3 favorite answer in this whole thing.
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Sell my truck.
Also, you will never convince me that Chad and Chase aren’t the same person.
Okay, whatever you do, don’t tell her you’re unemployed. Deal?
Occupation: Bachelor Superfan
If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Duh, Superman! He can’t die and there’s no such thing as Kryptonite on Earth, so I’d be set.
I like that James is willing to suspend disbelief long enough to give himself immortality and the power of flight, but then quickly doubles back to #WellActually the existence of Kryptonite. Guy’s got it all figured out.
Okay, Derek. Just be normal. I know you can do it.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? As long as the island wasn’t covered in cucumbers, I’d be all right. The only thing a man really needs is duct tape.
No answer in the history of this show, or questions in general, has ever screamed more for a follow-up question. Many follow-up questions. Because the cucumber part is one thing, but like, what are you gonna do with that duct tape on the island, bud? Make a hammock? Well then why not just ask for a hammock? Think this through.
Uh oh, we have a challenger to the Bro King. DRAW YOUR SWORD, DANIEL.
Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.
The battle begins.
Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?
Daniel and Chad are either going to be best friends or mortal enemies.
Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert
This is my No. 2 favorite answer in this whole thing.
If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why? Don Draper? James Bond? They kill it…
There are so many levels to this answer. Like, does he think being Don Draper or James Bond counts as a job? Or is he saying he wants to be an advertising executive or spy? I could spend hours trying to wrap my head around this, and I would, if he didn’t then follow it up with the best possible reasoning. “They kill it.” Fair enough, sir. I hereby hire you as an entry-level Don Draper at a salary of… what’s the going rate for “killing it”? $80,000? That sounds fair.
What are your three best attributes? Work ethic, ability to assimilate and connect with all types of people, ambitious and hungry to learn
Jesus mighty, Christian. You’re not interviewing for a job at tech company. Lighten up a little!
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? 1) Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect. 2) Take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies! 3) Spoil my grandchildren.
You cannot even imagine how hard this made me laugh. I was still trying to process “Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect,” and then BOOM he hit me with epic space selfies. Brutal combination. First-round KO.
This is my No. 1 favorite answer.
What is your favorite magazine? Ducks Unlimited.
Ducks Unlimited! That’s a real magazine! Here, look!
Ducks Unlimited! No limit to the number of ducks! INFINITY DUCKS!
Wait a second…
[quickly records and releases mixtape titled “Infinity Ducks”]
It’s official. Summer is on lockdown.