The ‘Big Mouth’ Hormone Monsters, Ranked

Editor-at-Large
10.09.18

Netflix

Big Mouth is, of course, very good. Netflix released the second season on October 5 and if it isn’t the funniest show of 2018 then I would sure like to see whatever beat it. (Really, I would. That show must be hilarious.) This season had everything from evil wizards to Bachelor parodies about forms of birth control to an exclamation of “Let’s go Mets” that will forever alter your perception of both sex and the New York Mets. Again, it’s a good show.

It also featured the introduction of two new Hormone Monsters and an expanded role for a third. This brings us to a total of five Hormone Monsters, not including the Shame Wizard or Depression Kitty, who should not be included because they are different beasts. Literally. They are literally different beasts. You are welcome for this play on words.

Point being: Five Hormone Monsters is enough to make this official. Let’s do it. Let’s rank the Hormone Monsters.

5. Gavin

Netflix

Ugh. Uggghhh. Gavin was onscreen for maybe four minutes this season, total, all of them in the season finale, and I still hate him so much. All of the Hormone Monsters give their kids bad ideas and bad advice. It’s part of the gig. “Monster” is right there in the name. But the other ones we’ve seen, your Maurys and your Connies, have a sense of playfulness and protectiveness about them. They want the kids to do all this gross perverted stuff because they think it’ll help, in their own misguided way. And when they’re proven wrong (which they are, often almost immediately), there’s some level of remorse there. They feel bad that their plan of action failed. They truly, honestly, thought it would be fine, even if it never had a chance to be fine. There’s something charming about that.

But Gavin is all malicious testosterone. I would love to see the stats on the kids he mentors. I bet 70 percent of them are in prison. I bet 80 percent of them say their favorite show is Entourage. I bet 90 percent of them do curls in front of the mirror at home.

Gavin is the worst.

4. Tyler

Netflix

Tyler might be a decent Hormone Monster someday, but that day is not today. No, not even close, not even a little. Tyler understands nothing and got duped by the Shame Wizard and inspires no confidence in the kids he is assigned to mentor. Tyler is a bad Hormone Monster.

But he’s also sweet and eager — so eager — and ambitious and I could see a world where he works out the kinks and low self-esteem and becomes decent at his job. He also, like, cares, which is more than you can say for Gavin. I see this as a kind of Dobby from Harry Potter situation. There are more than a few similarities. They’re both too excitable, they both smash themselves in the head when they screw up, they were both manipulated by an evil wizard, etc. I hated Dobby at first but then by the end of his arc I cried real salty tears. Wild world we got here. Anything could happen. Tyler could become a legend one day.

Not today, though.

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