Birthday Suits FTW: Television Characters You Were Most Likely To See Naked in 2013

Entertainment Features
12.23.13 44 Comments
This is our third annual list of the television characters you’re most likely to see naked in television, and in past years, the biggest complaint has been why haven’t we posted actual naked pictures. There’s two reasons: 1) We have advertisers who do not appreciate nudity on Uproxx (and seriously, two clicks. It will take you TWO clicks) and 2) that’s not the main point of this post. The primary function of this post is to offer you one additional compelling reason to watch the ten shows below (OK, just nine this year), and it if takes a little nudity to get you over the hump, then I consider this annual list a success.

Moreover, there’s no reason to be weird about it. Television nudity is fairly commonplace now. In fact, it’s even creeped into network television. Granted, on networks the nudity is pixelated or blurred, but it is nevertheless up 70 percent. Why so much nudity? There’s nothing prurient about it. I think George R.R. Martin put it best: “Ultimately, in the history of the world, penises entering vaginas have given a lot of people a lot of pleasure.”

There is no harm in pleasure, and if nudity/sex brings you a little extra pleasure while watching these shows, who are we to complain? So, consider this list not just a list of characters you were likely to see nude in 2013, but a list of shows you should’ve watched in 2013.

10. Emmy Rossum, Shameless — Much higher on this list in years’ past, Emmy Rossum’s character was going through some difficulties in her love life in 2013’s season, which diminished her nude screentime (Shanola Hampton, who plays Veronica, made up for it). As she will begin the fourth season (staring in January) single and dating, expect the nudity level to increase. (Rossum even has six rules for onscreen nudity.) Also, Shameless is a quietly warm, funny, and smart dramedy that doesn’t get nearly the appreciation it deserves.

9. Kate Mara, House of Cards — Not completely nude in the series, Mara was neverthleless involved in a few steamy sex scenes in the first season of House of Cards, although the fact that they were with a character twice her age (played by Kevin Spacey) may make you a little uncomfortable. It should not, however, dissuade you from watching Netflix’s first major original series (the second season returns on Valentine’s Day).

8. Oona Chaplin, Game of Thrones — If you’re a fan of onscreen nudity (and great television), there’s no doubt that you’re already watching Game of Thrones, which also had a precipitous drop in 2013 in terms of nude scenes. Maybe they were responding to criticism of gratuitous nudity, or maybe the storylines simply didn’t offer the opportunities this year. In either respect, Oona Chaplin (great-granddaughter of Charlie Chaplin) had one very memorable nude scene as Talisa Maegyr that may stick with you for a very long time.

7. Jon Voight, Ray Donovan — Not everyone on this list is designed to encourage you to watch their respective shows. There’s was a scene in Ray Donovan where Voight’s character back-door banged two women in a dream sequence that was pretty much my quitting point for the series, which had already been skating on thin ice thanks to terrible writing and even worse Boston accents. That should hopefully be reason enough to steer you away. It is NIGHTMARE FUEL.

6. Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake — The spectacular miniseries (now playing on Netflix) was bleak and grim, a cross between Twin Peaks and The Killing. It was a great six-episode run, and if seeing Moss naked is reason enough to compel you to watch, then DO IT. You’ll be rewarded with much more than a brief, cheap thrill.

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