TV

Jesse Pinkman Lines For When You’re In Over Your Head


Walter White (Bryan Cranston) might have brought the science know-how to his business partnership with Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) on Breaking Bad, but Jesse had the street smarts on how the drug game functioned. Unfortunately for him, Walt’s science skills were way too proficient, and it wasn’t long before Jesse found himself literally bound in chains after getting in too deep. While we’re sure you won’t be in the same kind of trouble, we urge you to think back to these Breaking Bad moments next time you feel a little over your head.

“New Zealand. That’s where they made Lord of the Rings. I say we just move there, yo. I mean, you can do your art, right? Like, you can paint the local castles and sh*t. And I can be a bush pilot.”

It was evident from the beginning that Jane and Jesse never had a chance, but you couldn’t help but root for them to somehow make it. When Jane’s father suspected that she was using and shacking up with Jesse, Jesse had his own dilemma with the money he was owed by Walt. They both wanted to leave their problems behind and start anew, and when Jane eventually got Jesse’s money from Walt the two devised an escape plan that was never going to get off the ground.

Just about everyone has fantasized at one time or another about running off to some new place where nobody knows your name to start a fresh life. Running away from your problems rarely works out, but even still, that doesn’t mean you can’t at least fantasize about the bush pilot life.

“Why me?”

In season four’s “Cornered,” Gus praises Jesse for his work in scouting out a meth house and decides to keep him around. When Jesse asks “Why me?” Gus responds “I like to think I see things in people.” Considering Gus’ reputation for cutting people’s throats with box cutters, there’s a good chance Jesse thought to himself again “Why me?” as in, “Why is it me who is so unlucky to be in business with this maniac?”

It’s a line that’s bound to come to mind whenever you find yourself in a most unfortunate situation and questioning your current place in the universe. Hopefully, whatever unfortunate predicament you’re in pales in comparison to Jesse’s.

“Yo, I get I shouldn’t call, but I’m in a situation over here.”

It’s understandable why Walt was always somewhat hesitant to give Jesse his share of the loot, considering Jesse’s substance abuse struggles in the early seasons. Fair is fair, though, and they did agree to split things evenly. But after Jesse is tossed out of his own house by his parents in season two’s “Down,” he can’t help himself but phone up Walt for a cash advance. If you find yourself in your own “situation” keep this one in the holster for when you have to make that dreaded phone call to ask for a big favor.

“I got two dudes that turned into raspberry slushie then flushed down my toilet. I can’t even take a proper dump in there. I mean, the whole damn house has got to be haunted by now.”

Jesse learned early on that when it comes to science experiments, not following directions can have dire consequences. Yes, it was his own fault that the body disposal of two rivals went so terribly wrong, but even still, nothing ruins a home’s value like acid/human gut stains on the floorboards. You’re probably not going to find a reason to quote this line verbatim — at least I really hope not — but Jesse’s frustration with the situation should resonate with anybody who’s ever found themselves looking at the ruins of a DIY project gone wrong. Now if you’re problem happens to smell like “toe cheese and dry cleaning” seek a professional for assistance.

“If I go to that plaza, I’m a dead man!”

By the time season five’s “Rabid Dog” episode rolled around, Walt and Jesse’s relationship was more strained than ever and Hank was pulling Jesse’s strings. Hank might have known Walt as the brother-in-law that he used to have cookouts with before the guy went down the kingpin drug dealer path, but he still wasn’t aware of Walt’s psychotic capabilities. When Hank tells Jesse that he wants him to wear a wire and meet Walt at a city plaza, Jesse lays it out for Hank just how evil Walt truly is, telling him “Mr. White, he’s the devil.”

Very few people will ever find themselves in Jesse’s shoes, but should you ever get invited to a social function where you know that one bitter ex of yours is going to be, feel free to toss this line out.

“You got me riding shotgun to every dark anal recess of this state. It’d be nice if you clued me in a little.”

Road tripping with Mike Ehrmantraut around New Mexico is far from a joyride. You don’t get any say in the radio — hope you like ’70s easy listening — and the schedule is strictly on a only-when-you-need-to-know basis. You might get a pimento cheese sandwich, though, which could be a plus depending on personal tastes. Should you find yourself riding with a driver who has no idea where they’re going or just plans on forcing you along for their afternoon of boring errands, pull this line out and settle into your seat, because it’s going to be a long, dull ride.

“Funyuns are awesome.”

“Hey, what do Funyuns have to do with being in a stressful situation?” Well, not much, but they are awesome and Jesse realizes that something like a delicious snack is a small joy when you’re in the business of selling poison — even if Walt doesn’t. So, next time you’re up to your neck in adult life problems, let this little line about an onion ring-flavored snack bring a sliver of relief. Then go eat a bag of Funyuns and tell yourself that you’ll get through this.

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