Bro v. Bro, Bro!

Bros. BROS.

Last night’s episode of “Franklin & Bash” was super-intense. Crazy intense. It was about the age old dilemma of something coming between bros which is a tragedy because NOTHING should ever come between bros. Ever. The bro-bro relationship is more important than any relationship including bro-wife because even though wives are cool and whatever they don’t usually want to wreck Bud Light Limes or go to strip clubs or play Call of Duty or fart into a cup and trick the other person into smelling it or other stuff that is at THE CORE of a bro’s soul. Unless you have an awesome wifebro, in which case you have got yourself a KEEPER, son. So yeah, this episode dug very deep into issues like the nature of friendship and how conflict can put a strain on that and it also featured lots of slutty chicks with huge boobs so it was pretty good.

Ok. Let’s do this.

So the episode starts and Franks & Boosh are rolling through jail and the jail is straight up full of sluts and the sluts are all “Hey Franklin and Bash” because they totes know all the sluts in Los Angeles because their reputation preceeds them but they’re like “Sorry not this time ladies because we are ON BUSINESS,” and then they walk to the next cell to meet their clients and GUESS WHAT THE CLIENTS ARE SLUTS, TOO. Franklin and Bash are all “Ok so what’s up?” and the sluts are like “We are not sluts we are a blonde and a brunette named Amber and Simone with awesome racks who teach pole dancing classes and some lady said we drugged and robbed her but we didn’t because we are STRIPPERS WITH HEARTS AND/OR BOOBS OF GOLD” and Franklin and Bash are all “Oh HELLZ yes we are taking these sluts as clients” and Franklin goes “Girls, our jobs are no different than yours. We’re here to get you off” which is CRAZY LOLs because “get you off” means lawyer stuff but ALSO ORGASM. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Boom. The sluts are clients.

Then next old head honcho guy is meeting with some little bro and little bro is all “I am very smart and extreme and I want to kayak down the Amazon or whatever but my dad is being Doublelame McDouchenerd and won’t let me go because I’m nine or something but it would totes be fine” and old boss guy is like “Yup I agree I’ll assign this case to dick lawyer and sexy lawyer because Franklin and Bash are busy with those sluts” so little bro is client number two because children are OFTEN ALLOWED TO ENTER INTO CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENTS WITHOUT A PARENT OR GUARDIAN BRO PRESENT. Trust me bro. I’ve seen, like, twenty episodes of “Law & Order.”

Case #1 – This is the big case and most of the episode is about it which is good because IT HAS EVERYTHING: sluts, drugs, strippers, intrigue, blonde boobs, drama, brunette boobs, hot tubs, black bro judges who don’t take kindly to shenanigans, sexy victims, victim boobs, AND SO ON.

So Franklin and Bash go to court and are all “Come on judge let’s be serious they have no priors and should be released” and the sexy DA lady who Bash used to bone is like ‘Nuh uh they drugged ladies with French Vicodin and stuff” but the judge is all “Ok fine” probably because Simone’s boobs are all PA-POW in her court outfit. Then later Franklin and Bash are at home working up strategy and the clientsluts drop by and Simone (brunette boobs) is all “Ok listen one time I really was a stripper named Sherry Pie and I went to jail for robbing my strip club but it wasn’t my fault or something” and Amber (blonde boobs) is all annoyed like “Oh great now I’m probably going to jail” and Franklin and Bash are all “RELAX, we have a plan we’re gonna split it up so one of us represents each of you and we’re pretty sure it won’t cause a problem even though there are like 35 minutes left in this episode.” So they do but first they go to court and Amber and Simone’s boobs are all BA-DOW because dressing slutty in court is A GREAT IDEA.

So Franklin and Bash interview the victim and witnesses separately about the night in question and, BROS, this sounded like a GREAT party. They’re all “Oh we were kissing other girls and learning how to pole dance and doing tequila shots off each other naked” and I was like, “NOTE TO BROSELF STALIN, you have GOT to get invited to slutty pole dancing parties.” But anyway the witness chicks are like “Yeah those stripper chicks definitely stole that jewelry” and oh yeah I forgot to mention in the last paragraph how brunette boob’s fingerprints were totes on the doorknob to an upstairs bedroom or something where the jewelry was so THAT’s important.

ANYWAY, so DA lady shows up at Franklin and Bash’s office and is like “NEW RULE: Whichever one of you comes to me first can have their client go free but the other one’s client gets TEN YEARS of HARD TIME” because she is trying to drive a wedge between bros which is a really bitchy thing to do because everyone knows bros before hoes but what about bros before clients? So this is kinda a SERIOUS PHILOSOPHICAL QUANDARY, BROS. So serious that I should probably continue Case #1 on the next page where there will be another banner image featuring more client boobs.


Ok so we go back to court and Franklin calls his client Simone and her boobs are like WHOA, but controversy is afoot because Franklin totes starts stealing Bash’s moves and Bash is like “Objection he’s stealing my moves” and the judge is all “Shut up I don’t put up with shenanigans because I am a serious older black bro.” So then when it’s Bash’s turn to cross-examine her he gets up and hits on everyone in the jury and Franklin is all “Objection he’s hitting on everyone in the jury” and the judge is like “Didn’t you hear me the first time I AM SERIOUS.” Anyway so what’s happening now is that things are unraveling and it’s turning into Broseph v. Broseph and the sexy DA is like “The deal’s off the table because I’m gonna win both cases” and then Bash gets brunette boobs on the stand and goes “OH REALLY why don’t you tell us about how you robbed that strip club SHERRY PIE” and Franklin is all “Objection betrayal” which is a TOTALLY LEGITIMATE OBJECTION. And then when blonde boobs is on the stand, Franklin is like “Oh also you had money problems AND a prescription for the French Vicodin and even though your boobs are like KABOOM right now I will not say anything about it because this is the serious part of the show.” Bad times for bros everywhere. Oh and did I mention the part where Bash was in the hot tub with blonde boobs and then Franklin came out to get in the hot tub with brunette boobs because hot tubs are great places to meet with your clients but then they got in a fight and said very hurtful things to each other. Yep. Bad times.

But then Franklin and Bash meet at the diner and are all “Let’s quash this and hug it out'” (NOTE: Season premiere of “Entourage” coming soon bros. I’m totes the E of my friends because I have BUSINESS SENSE and my mom agreed when she brought my dinner downstairs last night.) And then they team up and realize “Hey wait that victim lady is kinda suspicious, bro” and sexy investigator ladybro is like “Yep she’s definitely getting foreclosed on or whatever and she went to the bank and probably put something in her safety deposit box but this part of the plot is a little confusing.” So then Franklin and Bash go to the judge but he’s like “I SAID I AM SERIOUS LIKE TWENTY TIMES and I will not allow this evidence even though it is definitely relevant and important to your clients’ defense.” So Franklin comes up with a plan to trick the judge by saying he has the victim’s safety deposit box but it’s actually his and the judge is like “No I know it’s yours Franklin but now you have to open it and put it all into evidence even though it’s embarrassing” which it is except for the part where he put the victim lady’s prescription for THAT SAME FRENCH VICODIN in there that the judge said he couldn’t admit before SO NOW IT DID GET INTO EVIDENCE and black bro judge got tricked. EPIC.

Also then Bash calls victim lady’s boobs “high beams” which is LOLs but yeah she drugged and robbed herself so THE SLUTS GO FREE.

Case #2 – This case was pretty stupid except for the part where little bro kept hitting on sexy lawyer and it pissed off dick lawyer so he said something douchey to little bro and little bro was all “I’m about to break a world record. What have you ever done that a girl would care about?” which is awesome because he ROASTED dick lawyer but I don’t really feel like recapping this case because it was a real letdown after all the boobs and sexy french painkillers in the last case. Whatever, little bro wins.

Then Franklin and Bash have an EPIC party where the clients and their friends show up and start pole dancing and the guys are all “Well they’re not clients anymore which one do you wanna hook up with?” but then the chicks start kissing OTHER bros and Franklin and Bash are sad and are all “Huh?” but then two hot blonde chicks walk by and they’re like “Oh yeah I almost forgot we are Franklin and Bash so there are always other sluts.”