TV

Christina Applegate’s 10 Most Stylish ‘Married…With Children’ Outfits

Christina Applegate has been on TV or in movies literally her entire life. OK, that’s not technically true: she didn’t get her first role, on Days of Our Lives, until she was three months old. What a slacker. From there, she did a Playtex commercial, played “Fan” in the terrible Beatlemania: The Movie, and had a number of small roles in various TV shows, including Charles In Charge, Silver Spoons, and Family Ties. But Applegate got her big break in 1987, when she was cast in Married…with Children, which would keep her, as well as Ed O’Neill, Katey “Gemmacide” Sagal, and David Faustino, busy for 11 seasons. It was never a ratings juggernaut — it peaked at #29 — though a lot of that had to do with Fox being a relatively new network when the sitcom premiered, and many households didn’t carry it.

But the people who did watch it, loved it, largely because of Applegate’s performance as the sexually promiscuous Kelly Bundy. Applegate turned 43 today, so let’s take a look back at some of her best achingly late ’80s, early ’90s Married…with Children outfits. They’re all wonderful.

1.

Honestly, this is one of the more “classy,” in the most traditional sense of the word, shirts that Kelly ever wore. The necklace really compliments the floppy sleeves.

2.

The classic Kelly look: bright red lipstick, messy hair, black leather, sexy shrug, and of course, the eternal cross, sales of which increased by 757% in 1988.

3.

Fun fact: Andy Dwyer wrote “Sex Hair” after watching this episode of Married…with Children. “You got sex hair/You got if from me, girl/Sex hair, it’s such a pretty rat’s nest/Of sex hair, it’s all messed up and matted/Whoa-oh, you’re such a beautiful mess.” “Ann Song” is also about Kelly.

4.

I honestly don’t remember the context of this screencap, but I’m assuming Kelly was named Miss Ween for being Illinois’ number-one Ween fan. She stopped listening around the time they released White Pepper, but Kelly will always have a soft spot for Pure Guava.

5.

Imagine how uncomfortable that thing had to have been to put on. It’s ripped from something Michael Jackson might have worn during the Dangerous tour, but at least he didn’t have boobs. Kelly should have been named Miss Ween five years in a row for having to wear it.

6.

There’s a lot to like here. The flat-brimmed Pure Rock radio station hat, the jean shorts with carpet sample patches, David Faustino’s distant gaze (the name of my indie band, btw), the Adidas Married…with Children shirts (I want one of those so bad), etc. But I’d like to direct your attention to the shirtless guy in the stands. It appears he’s rocking a semi-mullet and short shorts the color of Togo’s flag. I’d like a “where are they now?” on him.

7.

Pretty much all of Kelly’s tie-dye shirts are gold.

8.

The designer of this dress came up with its unique pattern when she saw a melted orange Popsicle on the ground trickle into a pool of purple cough medicine. Such an inspiring story/outfit.

9.

You could sell that bra in an eBay auction, and it would go for at least $20,000.

10.

This is where I would normally include a picture of Christina Applegate holding a falcon and a snake, as immortalized here. But I can’t include it for copyright reason, so you’ll have to make do with Hair Toss Kelly GIF, comforted by the knowledge that yes, Applegate did really once POSE WITH A FALCON AND A SNAKE, even if we can’t show it it. Kelly Bundy > Kelly Kapowski?

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