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‘Loneliness And Cheeseburgers Are A Dangerous Mix’: 15 Classic Comic Book Guy Quotes From ‘The Simpsons’

For years, Comic Book Guy has been dispensing vicious insults at the patrons of  The Android’s Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop. Today, let’s look back at some of the best one-liners from everyone’s favorite fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan.

1. “Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”

From “My Sister, My Sitter,” waiting in the emergency room in a wheelbarrow.

2. “Are you the creator of Hi And Lois? Because you are making me laugh.”

From “The Day The Violence Died,” when Bart seriously underbids for a rare Itchy & Scratchy drawing.

3. “Since we are not familiar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register.”

From “Marge Be Not Proud,” when Bart hopes he might really just give him $59 to buy Bonestorm.

4. “Oh, a sarcasm detector. Oh, that’s a real useful invention!”

From “They Saved Lisa Brain,” subsequently breaking the sarcasm detector.

5. “What? You mean action figures?”

From “Worst Episode Ever,” when Dr. Hibbert encourages him to “find some friends that aren’t printed on paper.”

6. “There’s no emoticon for what I’m feeling”

From “The Computer Wore Menace Shoes,” expressing his outrage at Homer’s story about Mayor Quimby using the pothole repair money for a swimming pool.

7.  “I adore Edna. She’s near mint and comes from a very limited edition — females who will talk to me.”

From “My Big Fat Geek Wedding,” after falling for Mrs. Krabappel.

8. “Oh goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.”

From “Worst Episode Ever,” having a rough altercation with Agnes Skinner. Naturally, it would lead to a romance between the pair.

9. “Last night’s Itchy & Scratchy was without a doubt the Worst. Episode. Ever. Rest assured I was on the internet in minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.”

From “The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show,” giving Poochie’s debut a decidedly negative review and creating an immortal catchphrase in the process.

10. “Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?”

From “Mayored To The Mob,” flirting with a nerdy young woman at Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con. Don’t try to change him, baby.

11. “I must return to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.”

From “The Homer They Fall,” when a clerk notes that as a “fat sarcastic Star Trek fan,” he must be a devil with the ladies.

12. “But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills, you’re from two different worlds! …Oh, I’ve wasted my life.”

From “Treehouse Of Horror VIII,” shortly before a bomb destroys all of civilization.

13. “The restraining order says ‘no-no,’ but her eyes say ‘yes-yes.'”

From “I Am Furious (Yellow),” when Stan Lee asks if he’s the guy who’s been stalking Lynda Carter.

14. “You may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is ‘fries.'”

From “22 Short Films About Springfield,” when Milhouse asks what he can get for 70 cents.

15. “Lucite… hardening… must… end life… in classic Lorne Greene pose… from… Battlestar… Galactica… Best… death… EVER!”

From “Treehouse Of Horror X,” as The Collector, when Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl freeze him in lucite.

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