The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items will vary, as will the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday and we are here to have some fun.
ITEM NUMBER ONE — Oh, so now you all get it
Late last year, just a few weeks before Christmas, Comedy Central canceled Detroiters. This was sad at the time and is still sad now. Detroiters was a perfectly silly show, an oasis in the desert of bleak dramas and increasing bleak comedies. The show’s creators and stars, real-life best friends Sam Richardson and Tim Robinson, were committed to doing just the dumbest and goofiest and best stuff they could as often as possible and I respected them greatly for it. Go watch the “Farmer Zack” episode and tell me that’s not a good show. Don’t lie to me. Don’t lie.
Anyway, a few things of note have happened since the cancellation. First, Veep ended its iconic run on HBO and in the final moments of the final episode, we learned that — spoilers comin’ in hot — Sam Richardson’s character, Richard Splett, eventually becomes president and wins a Nobel Peace Prize. It was a great ending and a big win for the only nice character — and one of the funniest — on the entire show. Second, Tim Robinson’s sketch show, I Think You Should Leave, premiered on Netflix and took over the entire internet. You’ve seen the screencaps. It just got renewed for a much-deserved second season and everyone is appropriately jazzed.
So… will you guys please go back and watch Detroiters now? Now that you’re all pretty obsessed with its two leads? I yelled at you about it while the show was still on the air but I respect that there’s a lot of television and you can’t watch everything. It’s so good, though. And so funny. It’s got those guys you like in it. Come on. Come onnnnnnnn.
Admittedly, some of this is part of my master plan to get the show back on the air. Not all of it. Some of it is just because I think you’ll enjoy it and you seem pretty stressed and it could help take the edge off. But mostly, I want everyone to watch the older episodes — still on Comedy Central’s website — and get way into it and then I want someone at Netflix to say “Well, dang, we’re already in the Tim Robinson business, might as well throw some money at this beloved low-budget show of his, too.” Boom. I get my show back. And all you have to do is watch a nice show and laugh a bunch. There are no losers here. There are literally no losers. It’s a perfect plan. Go watch Detroiters.
ITEM NUMBER TWO — What a week for the cast of Barry
The second season of Barry wrapped up a few weeks ago and it pleases me very much to inform you that the cast is already having a pretty great summer, no one more than my beloved NoHo Hank himself, Anthony Carrigan. Carrigan deserves every good thing happens to him. He’s so great as Hank, the sweet and naive Chechen mobster who texts Bitmoji to his friends and dances on rooftops and survives inter-gang squabbles like a friendly cockroach. It’s a wonderful character and a wonderful performance and it’s all led to Carrigan now landing a role as the villain in the upcoming Bill & Ted continuation movie.
The new story, according to the production, once again centers on the affable best friends, now middle-aged and still yet to fulfill their rock ‘n’ roll destiny. When a visitor from the future warns them that only their song can save life as we know it and bring harmony to the universe, the pair sets out on a new adventure, helped along by their daughters, old friends, a new batch of historical figures and a few music legends.
Carrigan’s character details are being kept in a phone booth, but it is known that he will be the duo’s relentless adversary.
NoHo Hank and John Wick, together in a movie. I’ve mentioned before in this column that I think sometimes Hollywood makes casting decisions only to please me, personally (no you’re a delusional narcissist), and this might be the best example yet. I hope they become friends. I hope it leads to the Barry and John Wick universes intertwining. Barry staying at The Continental, Fuches trying to kill John Wick to get his hands on the bounty, Hank popping up in the homeless underground to ask Laurence Fishburne and Jason Mantzoukas for help. All of it. Tie my hitman universes together. Hell, get Villanelle in there, too. Or just cast Jodie Comer in Bill & Ted. I mean, if I’m being greedy…
Carrigan isn’t the only member of the cast who is having a great month of June, either. Look at all these fish Henry Winkler caught on vacation.
It is really pretty incredible to me that the guy who played the Fonz is now a sweet older man who interrupts all the petty arguments and bad news on my Twitter timeline to share pictures of fish he caught. He’s the greatest and he’s probably the one person in the world who is using social media properly. Good for him.
ITEM NUMBER THREE — Little Women needs… something
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Vanity Fair has the first set of photos from the new Little Women movie that Greta Gerwig is helming. The cast is really something, with Saoirse Ronan and Florence Pugh leading the production and exciting up-and-comers… [checks notes]… Laura Dern and Meryl Streep joining them. You could do a lot worse on paper than the team from Lady Bird, a noted star, and two of the primary figures in Big Little Lies. And they got Chalamet, too. Yes, Timothee Chalamet is in this sucker. That’s cool because he’s a good actor and everything but it feels a little obvious, no? Like, of course Timothee Chalamet is in the new Little Women movie that is being directed by his boss from Lady Bird. I see it as a missed opportunity to cast against type and really shake things up a bit. But who? Who could possibly liven up the cast of Little Women in this way and still makes sense.
Wait a second.
I got it.
Oh, I think I nailed this one, guys.
Cast Tormund in Little Women, beard and fur and all. It’s not too late. They yoinked Spacey out of that one movie at the last minute a few months ago even though the footage had all been shot. There’s a precedent here. It was under… let’s say “different” circumstances, but still. It’s doable. We can do it. There’s no reason not to. I mean, besides all those reasons you’re probably thinking of right now. But still! Still!
ITEM NUMBER FOUR — We must, once again, talk about the dinosaur skulls
A few notes:
– This is Russell Crowe on The Howard Stern Show this week telling the story about how he bought a dinosaur skull from Leonardo DiCaprio after they got drunk in Leo’s house.
– Leo sold him the dinosaur skull because he wanted to buy a new one.
– Leo once got outbid for a dinosaur skull by Nicolas Cage, who later had to return that skull to the Mongolian government after authorities discovered the skull had been obtained by the seller illegally.
– We’ve discussed all of this before and will continue to discuss it every time there is a semi-legitimate excuse.
– You know that thing where you have a few drinks too many and you wake up in the morning like “I spent HOW MUCH at the bar last night?” Imagine that but instead you realize that you bought a dinosaur skull from Leonardo DiCaprio for $35,000.
I must know everything about Leonardo DiCaprio’s dinosaur skull collection. If you have any information, please contact me. I am not joking.
ITEM NUMBER FIVE — 100 times is a lot of times to see a movie in a theater
Agustin Alanis is a Florida man who has, as of this writing, seen Avengers: Endgame 134 times in the theater. He started out doing it to set a Guinness World Record, but he crossed that threshold with his 104th viewing. He’s still going. He told CNN how:
“I go twice on weekdays; Saturday and Sunday, four to five times, (which) is the most I can because of the movie being 3 hours and 2 minutes long,” said Alanis, who’s spent the equivalent of more than 40 workdays watching the Marvel Studios film. He’s managed it while juggling his job as a supervisor for his family’s construction business.
I’m of two minds about this. On one hand, it’s his money and time and there are plenty of worse and more harmful ways to spend your time. He could be, like, burning down orphanages, you know? Doesn’t seem so bad now, does it? Feel free to use that one in your own life.
SPOUSE: Can you please stop leaving your food wrappers in the car? It’s gross.
YOU: At least I’m not burning down orphanages, Karen.
But, the flipside of this coin: Looking at my quick math, this guy has spent something like two full weeks of his life watching the same movie over and over again. If we figure on an average of $15 per movie (just a loose figure), he’s spent over $2000. You can go to Bermuda for a week for $2000. You can go to lesser islands for two weeks for $2000 and live like a king or queen. You won’t get your name in a record book, sure. But I’ve got to believe a couple of weeks at a resort with an umbrella drink in your hand is better for your psyche than watching Thanos do his business 133 extra times.
Come on, man. Think this through.
If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or, like, whatever you want, shoot them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line. I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.
Hey, it’s me. Brian. The one who is writing this column. The mailbag was a little thin this week and there was nothing I could really run with so, instead, I’m going to keep talking about the celebrity dinosaur skull stuff.
The question I have now is what other celebrities own dinosaur skulls. DiCaprio is a trendsetter, remember that. The man started vaping so long ago that everyone still found it kind of hilarious. (A Getty image search for pictures of him vaping is a really wild ride.) Now everyone vapes, including every cool teen you know. (You know many cool teens, yes?) Once word got out that Leo collects dinosaur skulls, it could have started a whole thing. Tobey Maguire probably has a dozen that he plays poker against by himself in his basement.
I hope Leo gives them as wedding presents. Not even wrapped. I hope he just rolls into the reception an hour late with a dinosaur skull in his hand and I hope he kisses the bride on the cheek, shakes the grooms hand, and asks them where he can put his gift while they look at each other like “Is… is Leonardo DiCaprio giving us that dinosaur skull… as a wedding gift?” I hope he does it so often that his friends start leaking anonymous stories to gossip outlets like “Sources close to Leo say his friends are getting really sick of all the dinosaur skulls. ‘It’s not okay,’ one told us on a condition of anonymity.” I hope it becomes a whole thing and he has to put out an official statement through a team of publicists.
That’s all. I’m not asking for much.
AND NOW, THE NEWS
To South Philly!
Federal authorities on Tuesday seized more than 16 tons of cocaine from a cargo ship docked at the Port of Philadelphia — a massive haul whose estimated worth of more than $1 billion made it one of the largest cocaine busts in the nation’s history.
This brings up a good point and I need all of you to hear me out…
Narcos: South Philly.
Dozens of DEA agents with thick Philly accents, South and Central American kingpins eating cheesesteaks, local residents whizzing D batteries at low-level enforcers. Gimme every piece of it.
Durasevic told investigators that he had been recruited by the ship’s chief officer, who was unnamed in the document, to help at least two other crew members and four people wearing ski masks haul bales of cocaine aboard the Gayane from smaller ships that approached it shortly after it left Peru. He was paid $50,000 for his effort, he said.
And another thing: I’m getting really sick of how every show and movie is set in Boston and every actor involved really gets their bare hands into that accent but no one even tries to nail a Philly accent even though it is at least as awful. At best, people just do like a generic New York Italian accent. It’s not okay.
He described six boats, each carrying cocaine, that rendezvoused at different times with the Gayane under cover of darkness as it voyaged south from Panama to Peru. On the way back north, eight boats approached the cargo ship at night to unload their illicit cargo, the affidavit states.
Hmm. Maybe this isn’t Narcos after all. Maybe this is Miami Vice. But it Philly. Philly Vice! Or even Miami Vice: Philly! The Philly version of Sonny Crockett can wear gray sweatpants and a worn-out Chase Utley shirsey instead of designer clothes. I can see it all now.
The Gayane will remain moored in Philadelphia until given the all-clear by investigators. The cargo vessel is owned by Mediterranean Shipping Co., a Geneva-based firm with operations in several U.S. cities.
In a statement posted on its website Tuesday, the company said it was taking the seizure “very seriously.”
“Hey boss, the newspaper is asking for a quote about the billion-dollar coke bust on our ship, the one that involved a half-dozen boats with illicit night cargo hopping across the waves to meet up with our vessel. I’m thinking we tell them we’re taking it seriously.”
“Just seriously? I don’t know. Feels like we need something more direct and powerful to get our point across, to show everyone we mean business.”
“What about… very seriously?”
“Fred, you brilliant bastard.”