By now you’ve surely seen the AT&T commercials featuring Lily, a peppy, helpful AT&T store employee played by actress Milana Vayntrub. They all play out mostly the same: a customer enters the store with a question and a troublesome dilemma (sleeping baby, can’t use a phone because college football mascots can’t talk and have giant foam fingers, is Gordon Ramsey, etc.), and Lily uses their queries to lob back AT&T’s desired talking points about unlimited talk and text, or family plan pricing, or whatever. Always with a smile on her face, and never starstruck by the steady stream of celebrities who apparently shop at that mall and do not have assistants that can handle their wireless telephone needs. She appears to be the perfect employee.
Here’s my question, though: Do you ever wonder if Lily hates her job?
She has to, right? I mean, sure, everyone hates their job sometimes. My job is literally to watch TV and then make jokes about it, and there are days *I* hate my job. But she has to hate that job so, so much. Working in retail is awful. Even the smartest, kindest people in the world become brainless monsters as soon as they make that transition from human to customer. And that’s just regular retail, like working at JC Penney or Target. Dealing with cell phones is a whole different animal, because no one understands their phone or phone plan anymore. An older woman I know just got her first smart phone about two weeks ago and has been back to the store no fewer than four times to ask questions about how to work it and what exactly her data plan entails. She’s going back today, too.
Now, I certainly don’t blame her for not knowing all the ins and outs of modern wireless technology, but if you’re dealing with that all day, every day, while standing on your feet the whole time, it has to drive you mad. Look at Lily in this screencap. There’s rage behind those eyes. Quiet, blistering rage.
I hope Lily loses her mind in the next commercial. I hope, like, Simon Cowell walks in and is all “Right, yes, I need lots of talk time and texting,” and she cheerfully replies “Well I have great news. AT&T has an unlimited talk and text plan that’s perfect for you,” and Simon Cowell goes “Unlimited. Really?,” and Lily says “Yup,” and Simon Cowell gets that stupid sh*tty look on his face and says “You mean to tell me there are no limits,” and they go round and round like that for 30 seconds before she just explodes and screams, “YES. UNLIMITED. IT SAYS SO RIGHT THERE ON THE F*CKING SIGN, YOU BOOB. JESUS CHRIST. HOW HARD IS THIS? F*CKING GRANT HILL COULD UNDERSTAND IT. YOU IDIOT. YOU STUPID, STUPID IDIOT, WITH YOUR STUPID TIGHT TURTLENECK.
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I HAVE AN ENGLISH DEGREE FROM VASSAR. WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN DOING HERE? ‘OH, IT’S FINE, LILY. YOU’RE JUST WORKING THERE AS A DAY JOB WHILE YOU FINISH YOUR NOVEL.’ WELL, GUESS WHAT, COWELL. I’M STILL ON PAGE 30. IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS. TWO YEARS. I’M WASTING WEEKS AT A TIME LISTENING TO MORONS LIE ABOUT HOW THEIR PHONE DOESN’T HAVE WATER DAMAGE — AND WE CAN TELL, SIMON, YOU SELF-IMPORTANT IMBECILE — WHEN I SHOULD BE OUT THERE TRAVELING AND LIVING LIFE, LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.
“You know what? F*ck this. I quit. Here’s a tip for you assholes: Verizon has better coverage anyway.”
That would be fun.