TV

How Bill Murray Should Appear In Your Favorite (And Least Favorite) TV Shows

If a genie granted me three TV wishes, I’d ask for: 1) Bill Murray on Parks and Recreation as the Mayor; 2) Bill Murray on Community as Jeff’s dad; and 3) That CBS be burned to the ground. Sadly, it’s probably the last wish that’s the most likely to come true: James Brolin has already been cast as Papa Winger, and despite years of tremendous effort from Michael Schur and Amy Poehler, it’s unlikely we’ll ever see Murray as Mayor Gunderson.

That’s a major bummer, but we’re optimists here at WG — Murray may never crawl out of a vent at Greendale or take a tour of the Sweetums factory in Pawnee, but there are plenty of other shows we’d love to see him in. Burnsy (who did the amazing Photoshop work) and I brainstormed ways for the King of the Internet to seamlessly appear in episodes of some of our other favorite and least favorite series, including Game of Thrones, Happy Endings, and Girls. And Bill — can I call you Bill, Bill? — if you’re reading this, drop us a line. We’ve got some ideas for you.

Fed up with dating guys his own age, if not younger, and because he has nothing else better to do on a Wednesday morning at 11 a.m., Max attends a matinee screening of Quartet, where he meets Willifred. The two have an instant connection and begin dating, and doing activities that a 30-year-old would with someone who’s 62, including, I dunno, feeding ducks or something. Things get so serious that Max invites his new boyfriend over for Passover seder at Jane’s place, where the entire gang discovers Willifred is the heir to the multimillion dollar Majesty Matzah empire. Now it’s up to them to think of the best way to kill Willifred’s 92-year-old father, Scotty. Yes, THAT Scotty. (Time travel’s involved — ABC’s pulling out all the stops.)

Jon Snow is now embedded with the White Walkers well beyond the well and has met their terrifying leader, Mance Rayder. He’s also introduced to Mance’s boyhood friend from the old country, Lance Gaydar (it means something else where he’s from), who’s never been as intimidating a presence as his buddy, but he’s got spunk, and that’s really what matters. Lance notices Jon hitting it off with Ygritte, who he’s had a crush on for years, and reasons if he uses some elbow grease and all his know-how, he can take care of this Jon Snow fellow. He soon after slips and falls off a cliff, and we never hear from Lance Gaydar again.

In his ongoing quest to understand where he comes from, Sterling Archer begins researching his great-grandfather, Silas Buford Archer, who founded the original and much more archaic form of ISIS. I don’t really have anything else to add because I already feel like I’ve committed an act of blasphemy for writing about ways to improve Archer as it is.

With Tara in prison thanks to Gemma’s deceptive ways, Jax decides that he needs to hire a nanny to watch his boys as he and the Sons deal with the mysterious and deadly Lee Toric, who is hellbent on revenge. After Chucky posts an ad on Craigslist for help, he receives a call from an old friend of SAMCRO. Fresh out of jail, Bill Murray reunites with his old gang as Chester “Droopy” Logan, who was known as the gang’s practical joker back when John Teller was running the show. Can Droopy ignore the urge to sadistically butcher SAMCRO’s enemies while teaching Abel and Thomas about whoopee cushions?

Things get testy at Atlantis Cable News when Leona hires former-News Mid-Evening, Not-Quite-Night host Brock Looseteal to be Will’s News Night co-anchor. He’s charismatic, he’s friendly, he’s a smooth ladies man, he’s ripped (Sloan can’t stop touching his chest, though she does that with all the fellas), he’s everything Will’s not. Sensing something suspicious, Will and MacKenzie attempt to figure out why Brock didn’t last at his old job, or at least that’s the plan until they can’t figure out how to turn a computer on.

After the success of the Patrick Wilson-starring “One’s Man Trash,” Lena Dunham attempts another mini-bottle episode, this time casting Bill Murray as Frederick, a friend of Adam’s who’s crashing at his dusty apartment while he’s away screaming at squirrels about how unfair life is. Hannah drops by because she remembers she left her Bikini Kill bikini there, and upon meeting Frederick for the first time, immediately locks eyes with him and has a 15-minute sad-face-off that ends with both of them naked, on the floor, doing the Dirty Puddle. (That’s when you have sex and no one’s happy.) Then “We Are Young” ironically plays.

After several reports of sexual misconduct from his clients, Charlie finds himself being stalked by a private investigator named Jack Snoop, played by Bill Murray. After a quick investigation – let’s say two episodes – Jack turns over a bevy of evidence to a federal prosecutor, who builds a case to send Charlie away for life. As it turns out, the judge’s wife is one of Charlie’s patients and subsequent sexual partners, so the judge sentences Charlie to a quick death. He is replaced by Danny Masterson.

As Dr. Joe Carroll continues to be ahead of Ryan Hardy every step of the way, the FBI urges him to think back to the steps he took to catch the world’s most diabolical serial killer the first time around. Hardy knows that in order to stop Carroll and his cult army from killing so many innocent people, he’s going to have to bring back his loose cannon partner, Doug Armstrong (Bill Murray). Unfortunately, it is blatantly revealed after six minutes that Doug is one of Carroll’s followers, just like 90% of the characters on this show.

In the beginning of the second season that was approved during a 72-day bender, Standrich “Skip” Gilchrist, Jr. is shipped off to Afghanistan as the result of a debate gone wrong between his father, the President, and his top political rival, some old white dude. In his first day of military action, Skip is killed by his own troops. The First Family begins mourning, amid dealing with their ridiculous and unbelievable array of problems, but all is forgotten when their zany Uncle Kip Gilchrist (Bill Murray) moves in and becomes Vice President.

In a baffling, though welcome, move by CBS, 2 Broke Girls is preempted by Bill Murray Watches 2 Broke Girls. He lasts thirty seconds before dropping an electric toaster into his bathtub, killing him instantly.

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