John Malkovich Is Ready To Bring Joy And Pizzazz To Your Child’s Birthday Party

It can’t be easy planning for a child’s birthday party. Trends come and go, plus clowns have somehow escalated from regular horrifying to bonus horrifying in the past 12 months, so the degree of difficulty has been amped up lately. Not to worry, there’s still that classic standby that every child loves. Actor/director/fashion designer John Malkovich.

Malkovich joined Stephen Colbert on Friday’s Late Show to offer up their unique skill sets as entertainers for your rugrat’s next birthday bash. Hiring Stephen and John’s Kiddacular Birthday Entertainment will allow your pint-sized guest of honor to enjoy balloon animals from Colbert and the promise of “tales of man’s inhumanity to man” that Malkovich vows will deeply upset them. Consider this the fascinating dimension between John Malkovich doing Letterman’s Top Ten List and his holiday tales for kids on Saturday Night Live.

“I promise you it will be a birthday they’ll never forget… no matter how hard they try,” offers Colbert’s less bubbly partner.

If you’re going to send you darling lil’ brat into a state of confusion, fear and sobbing distress, why not get an absolute pro to go that across? Of course, Malkovich is also a valuable addition to any party because he’s a low-key hero in medical emergencies. Give him a ring, America.