Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos seem like a fun couple. The Live with Kelly and Mark hosts and former All My Children co-stars have been married since 1996, which is an eternity for Hollywood, and People tells me that Ripa calls working with her hunky husband “a dream come true.” Getting paid many millions of dollars to hang out with your partner? I’m happy for them. But if I ever have to hear about their personal and/or sex lives again, I’m going to scream.
I haven’t spent time in any mechanic or dentist waiting rooms in awhile, so I’m behind on Live with Kelly and Mark (no spoilers). Maybe it’s become an informative show that takes a hard-hitting look at the biggest issues plaguing society today. But based on the clips I’ve seen online, Live with Kelly and Mark is mostly an excuse for Ripa and Consuelos to talk about their genitals.
Here are a few recent headlines about the morning show, courtesy of Decider’s exhaustive (and exhausting) archive.
Kelly Ripa Makes Mark Consuelos “Lightheaded” With NSFW Description Of Her Body On ‘Live’: “Nipples That Have Nursed Three Kids And Now Need To Be Rolled Up”
‘Live’s Mark Consuelos Was Feeling “Really Good” About His Penis Size After Watching ‘Naked Attraction,’ According To Kelly Ripa
Kelly Ripa Says Mark Consuelos Asks For First Aid When She’s Right Out Of The Shower On ‘Live’: “I’m Naked And Afraid” And “Mid-Lubrication”
‘Live With Kelly & Mark’: Mark Consuelos Accidentally Mixes up Allergy Pills and “Viagra”
Kelly Ripa Teases Sex in Space With Mark Consuelos “Could Be Fun” on ‘Live’: “Does a Bounce House Count?”
“Naked” Kelly Ripa Reveals She “Walked Out Of The Bedroom” To Discover Mark Consuelos Hired Three Housekeepers on ‘Live’
Kelly Ripa Says Mark Consuelos Emptying the Dishwasher Is “Like Porn” on ‘Live’
Kelly Ripa Begs Mark Consuelos to Show off His “Gorgeous” Legs in a Pair of “Daisy Dudes” on ‘Live’: “It’s What the Women Want — and Some of the Men!”
Kelly Ripa Jokes That She’ll “Sacrifice” Herself to Take a Video of Mark Consuelos Showering for ‘Live’
Kelly Ripa Sends in Phallic Photo of Mushrooms to Mark Consuelos and Anderson Cooper on ‘Live’: “She Was Thinking of Us”
Mark Consuelos Defends His Manhood on ‘Live’ After Kelly Ripa Compares His Penis to a “Cocktail Weenie”: “I Would Say More Like a Fine Chorizo”
Kelly Ripa Wants to See How Cold Plunge Shrinkage Affects Naked Mark Consuelos: “We All Want to Know What Everything Looks Like in Ice Cold Water”
I’m going to stop here. You get the idea.
I’m sorry if this makes me sound like a prude, but I shouldn’t know about the shape of Mark’s penis, or that Kelly’s nipples are like Fruit Roll-Ups. This is a silly morning show. Stick to unlikely animal friendships, cooking demonstrations, and dance lessons (but don’t dance too closely). I’m glad these two are still very into each other, but keep it in the bedroom, guys.