There’s no way of saying this without sounding like a douche, so I’m going to pack all the douche into one long sentence: yesterday, a former-warehouse, current-venue space in Brooklyn, the Bell House, announced in the middle of the afternoon that Louis C.K. would be performing three shows there during the evening for $10/ticket, but you could only buy them at the box office, so I took a cab from my apartment and grabbed a pair. Yeah, I know, I hate me, too.
*FLAWLESS SEGUE ALERT*
You know what I didn’t hate? Louis’s set, billed with the catchy title of “Working On His New Hour of Material” on our tickets. That’s exactly what it was, too: a warmup for his upcoming fall tour, complete with a half-formed new jokes, an ever-present yellow notebook, and comments from C.K. himself along the lines of, “There’s a lot of fat on that one.” (Also, the great Todd Barry opened.) Before I go on, I have no idea if the jokes he told will be part of the tour, so I’ll try to refrain from specifics, but if you don’t want to know the general topics he might cover, consider this your SPOILER ALERT. You should still click the jump button, of course, so poppa can get paid, but don’t pay attention to any of the dumb words.
1. Louis did impressions. Before even officially beginning the set, Louis explained that he can’t wear a digital watch on-stage because all the numbers look like the album cover for the Police’s Ghost in the Machine to him. He then elaborated that he’s always hated the Police and Joe Jackson, and proceeded to do an impression of both, complete with a mini-bass solo. He also hates Steely Dan, but rather than trying to impersonate Donald Fagen, he instead made fun of people who like Steely Dan and their tendency to join back-rub circles. Later on, he did a spot-on Ron Paul, which was as weird to hear as it is to type.
2. Louis’s happy. The self-loathing man you see on Louie? That’s not the Louis that performed last night. He’s happy, he’s getting laid on a regular basis (he wouldn’t elaborate), and he’s content with the way he looks and feels as a 44-year-old man, despite the noises he makes while sitting up from a chair. He’s so elated with where he is in life, in fact, that he thinks he should make an It Gets Better video for teenagers who are the way he was: faceless, pudgy mutants who no girl would EVER throw her vagina at.
3. Out of context quotes and scenes. “76-year-old homeless Scarlett Johansson.” “My asshole is like a bag of leaves that nobody remembered to tie up and a kid kicked over on his way home from middle school.” “Pointing her gypsy fingers at me.” “That was the WORST thing that ever happened to me.” “I just need to wipe my ass…it’s in between a Number One and a Number Two. It’s like a 1.5.” “You get to cum on someone’s stomach with tacit approval.” Seeing Prometheus by himself stoned. The idea that you can’t scream “TALK TALK TALK” if you don’t have a phone to your ear, but you can scream “TALK TALK TALK” if you do. Expect a future where before making a phone call, you have to watch a 30-second trailer for a Ben Stiller movie first.
Also, he pretended to have sex with a girl in the ass, and then followed that by miming a guy getting a blowjob.
4. Louis’s least favorite people in the world. There are a lot of people who Louie has disdain for, like Diarrhea Mike at his kids’ school (don’t worry about it), but he really wants to rip apart anyone who tries to look younger than they are. He’s not talking about a 40-year-old dad buying a sports car, or something like that; he’s referring to people who slather anti-aging and anti-laugh line goop on their face, to hide the fact that they’ve ever experienced genuine joy. The term “human garbage” was used more than once.
5. Louis f*cking killed. Despite the roughness of the set (he explained, “You are falling on a grenade for future, higher paying audiences”) and a too-long bit about cell phones and the Cloud, the material was brilliant. It ended with one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever heard him tell, right up there with the cab tag from last week’s episode. I obviously don’t want to give too much away, but here’s a hint: maybe the Make a Wish Foundation isn’t such a good thing after all. If you haven’t already, buy tickets for his tour; this is a man who’s currently at the peak of his abilities. And if your local date is sold out, murder someone you know who has one.
Believe me, Louis would be totally OK with it.