Penelope Cruz Directed A 5-Minute Lingerie Commercial Starring Her Pregnant Sister And Javier Bardem

Were, say, my grandmother to call me up later today and ask, “Grandsonny boy, could you explain the plot of Penelope Cruz’s Agent Provocateur mini-film of a commercial to me?” I’m not sure how I’d respond, other than to pour concrete into my ears so I’d never hear anything that mentally scaring again. It begins with some guy who isn’t Javier Bardem walking into a room with a bevy of nice-looking women in dresses, and then he puts on his shades and magically all the formerly clothed babes are now in their “beautifully constructed” underwear.

That’s where the weirdness ends, because the rest of the ad documents a fairly normal get together: people standing and dancing in kiddie pools, women seductively eating birthday cake, ladders to nowhere, lap dances, threesomes, poolside giraffes, a rotary telephone that isn’t plugged in, pineapple high heels, some guy who is Javier Bardem playing a scruffy construction worker, just like your high school graduation party. Especially the part about the cake. Man, I really need to talk my grandmother about her horrible life decisions.