The Script For A ‘Roadhouse’ Remake Starring Guy Fieri Is For Sale On Craigslist

Just imagine it: instead of Patrick Swayze at his physical peak ripping out Marshall R. Teague’s throat after a vicious fight in the middle of woods, you have anthropomorphic hedgehog made of butter Guy Fieri as Guy Cooler, “probably the #1 badass in the USA right now,” a man whose love of justice is topped only by his love of keeping it bold. That’s the basis of Bad Boy City Entertainment CEO Karl Welzein’s, a.k.a. the brilliant Dad Boner, Roadhouse: Pain Still Don’t Hurt script, a remake of the 1989 “Blue Monday”-soundtracked classic, and it’s for sale on Craigslist, in case you’re looking for the “next big summer smash ($$$).”

Here’s but a taste:

GUY COOLER: Yeah, it’s so money. Thanks for lettin’ me kick things up in the kitchen on my time off for free.

CAPTAIN KARL: My pleasure. The menu is so on point. And such a great value for the large portions.

GUY COOLER: Yeah, but I gotta hand it to you, the “Cheetos on anything for an extra $1” idea is really off the chain. Adds such a great texture to any dish.

GUY COOLER and CAPTAIN KARL (together): Bold flavors. (They do a badass handshake from the streets. Some babes see it and give a carnal stare.) (Via)

Can we have this instead of the ALF movie, please? I bet Kelly Lynch would work for scale.

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