13 Important Observations About The ‘Snackeez’ Commercial You Won’t Be Seeing During The Super Bowl

Maybe it’s because I watch too much bad TV, but lately I’ve been frequently seeing an As Seen On TV commercial for a product called “Snackeez.” Snackeez is particularly amazing because even for an As Seen On TV product, the thing is just spectacularly terrible. As an invention, Snackeez makes the Snuggie look like the light bulb and the Perfect Bacon Bowl look like the telephone. I could totally see someone thinking, “You know what would make these eggs even better? If I could eat them in a BACON BOWL.” Hell yes, my friend! But I can’t see anyone ever thinking, “Hurrr, I sure wish I had a cup that I could drink out of and also eat out of too.”

After seeing the Snackeez commercial a number of times, I started coming up with some observations.

“We’re here in sunny Ocean Park…” LIES. I Googled “Ocean Park” and I am 99% sure that is not a real place that exists. A cursory google search turns up a residential community somewhere in Maine and a water park in Hong Kong.

Now THAT is an orange shirt. I had one like it back in 1997, which I smartly paired with wide leg jeans and chunky bleached highlights. This dude is a closeted Reel Big Fish fan for sure.

Note the revolutionary technology of having a cap on the straw. If you’ve owned any kind of cheap plastic sports bottle since 1982 you know that crap is just going to leak right out of the straw gap around the cup lid.

It’s my understanding that multiple children in the back seat of a car is almost as bad a combination as peanut butter and sh*t. I guarantee you those kids will find a way to wreak havoc back there, Snackeez or no.

Glad I’m not the only one who refers to my husband as “grossy gross.” It’s like one moment you’re accepting a sparkly ring on a beach in the Caribbean somewhere and then the next thing you know it’s a lifetime of sharing snack food with Toilet Fingers McGee.

Who are these disaster children who can’t sit down on a floor without immediately spilling every beverage and food container in sight? Were their parents first cousins?

I’m no stranger to hyperbole, but making a broad statement that “Snackeez is taking the world by storm” is literally the most incorrect thing said by anyone in the history of mankind, and even dinosaurs, if dinosaurs had some sort of advanced mode of communication.

“They’re cool!” says the 20-something guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Clearly he knows cool.

Hey, look! Even Australians will use this thing!

Theoretically, could the Snackeez be used to hold wine and gummy bears? Asking for a friend.

Who thinks every single person involved in the making of this commercial was paid in Snackeez?

What is up with homeboy getting four Snackeez? Unless he plans on growing three more sets of arms, I am pretty sure the Snackeez will eventually outmatch and overpower him.

I could probably find a couple of old sports bottles, duct tape some GladWare on top and sell them for about $1 each outside the subway; much lower than the $9.99 asking price. BOOM, Snackeez, you just met your competition.