The Best Of Nick Offerman's Reddit AMA, Round 2

Senior Pop Culture Editor
03.14.13 21 Comments

When you need life advice, you come to Nick Offerman. As previously noted, the man known as Swanson conducted his (second) Reddit Ask Me Anything yesterday, and revealed such indispensable wisdom as, “Work the perimeter before driving to the basket.” He ain’t talking about basketball…

Speaking of genitalia: we’ve also included a number of GIFs from yesterday’s Internet-breaking Somebody Up There Likes Me promo. It’s OK, you can watch the video again. We have.

If you could punch one person in the world with no consequences who would it be and why?

I suppose it would be that dirty, mangy dog that named me “Sue.”


Have you ever considered playing Teddy Roosevelt in a biopic about his life?

I look forward to playing #26 with a relish that can only be described as fervent. The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt and The River of Doubt are fantastic reads, and Theodore Rex is good, but more of the known quantity. You can bet your San Juan Hill that in my portrayal of Teddy, I will wrestle and defeat a Crizzly Bear.

He’s ready for that f*cking bear. (Via)

Manliness: as a 24 year old half Asian male weighing in at 120 lbs, struggling to grow facial hair, how can I become more manly like yourself?

Turn off your computer and go out of doors. Dig a large enough hole to transplant a mature apple tree. Nurture the tree, feed it, coddle it so that its fruit will be ample, bright and firm. Practice open-hand strikes against the rough bark of the trunk until it’s time to harvest. Choose the champion of your apple crop, pluck it from the tree, and beat yourself about the face and tits with it until your mettle will suffice.


You seem to like Scotch, Lagavulin and Balvenie if I remember from last time. Is your enjoyment real or just for persona reasons? I mean no disrespect.

My scotch appreciation is solid and true. The older I become, the more single malts, particularly the Islay varieties, warm my gullet. Had I more time, I would gladly be all up in your r/scotch. Or, be sitting in Scotland, sipping a dram.

I highly recommend Laphroaig 10 yo if you’re into Islay whiskies Mr. Offerman.

I have enjoyed that whiskey severally.


I love and appreciate your (seemingly) minimalist approach to the things in life that make you happy (bacon, booze, wife, wood, not necessarily in that order.) How do you keep your focus on these important necessities in the face of a busy and changing world?

Avoid channels. Limit choices. Keep a clean water pipe.


We all know Ron Swanson has only cried twice in his life. Is there anything that makes you cry?

I cry with regularity, and I don’t mind a bit. I cried last night during rehearsal for this beautiful play Annapurna, by Sharr White, that Megan and I are doing. I consistently cried at the curt but heartfelt life advice dispensed by Coach Eric Taylor. I cried when Ashton Kutcher came back to television. For all of us. For shame.


If you could impart one piece of knowledge to the wayward generation of Reddit, what would it be?

One Knowledge Piece: Wealth is more amply measured in hugs than dollars.


Sausage links or patties?

please send them.


If you directed Rocky 7, who would you have Rocky fight?

I imagine he’d be in a pretty good scrap with his colon by this point. I’d love to see him take on Dr. Phil, as well, and have Dr. Phil be inexplicably formidable, but then of course, ultimately lose to Mr. Balboa.


Hello Nick. I’m a freshman currently attending UIUC. What was your time like here? What were some memorable experiences? Any suggestions for cool stuff to do on campus? Thanks so much, you’re absolutely hysterical. Please visit sometime!

Champaign-Urbana, Illinois made a bong-chorking man out of me. You can’t beat a great college town as a wellspring of knowledge and culture. Something cool to do on campus? Eat a couple of mushroom caps, then prime yourself with a viewing of The Wild Bunch. Walk to the quad whilst trucking to the early funk of The Meters. Pleasure yourself in the middle of the quad with as much gusto as you can manage, and when they come to arrest you, only to find that you’re jerking off onto a Michigan State jersey, they will fall onto the lush lawn with guffaws and then throw you a parade. True story. Also – visit Japan House, there lies the opportunity for a truly beautiful supplication.


The guys from Trailer Park Boys recently said that John Paul Tremblay (Julian) is more manly than you. Your response?

His name is Julian.


Who is your favorite Parks and Rec character besides Ron? If you had to choose between bacon or carpentry, which would you choose? Why did you decide to start tweeting again? Any future projects you are working on that you can disclose? Here’s a shot in the dark, but is there ANY chance that you could spare an hour to be a guest on my podcast?

1) Duke Silver. 2) Easy. Bacon. Carpentry requires protein to flourish, but Bacon requires only my masticating pork-hole. 3) To use the practical side of Twitter to disseminate information to my peoples, despite the amount of time people waste upon said channel. 4) Doing a play in Los Angeles with my gorgeous wife Megan, Annapurna, late April-June 9. 5) I think you had another question, but it’s dark so I missed it.


In Parks and Rec, you describe “bacon-wrapped shrimp” as your “number 1 favorite food wrapped around your number 3 favorite food.” What is your number 2 favorite food?

The Puss.


Do you stay-in/switch-to character when approached in public by fans, or do you prefer to talk to people as simply “Nick?” Do you ever get in line for something that is taking forever (coffee, post office, DMV, etc.) and decide, “You know, this is absurd. I’m about to Ron Swanson this mother out” and just lay down the law?

1) I don’t like to ever play Ron when I’m not at work, even over the phone in a radio interview. Ron is not my individual property, I make him together with Mike Schur and our show, so I don’t like to whip him out at the lumber yard. 2) I don’t like to wait in lines. If there’s a long line for coffee, I slap myself in the face and find it just as awakening as an Americano. No one ever needs to go to the DMV.


Will you be directing more episodes of Parks and Rec in the future? I loved Correspondents’ Lunch!

It is my fondest wish to have my fingers in as much pudding as possible at my dreamy job, but we don’t yet know the plan for next year. I hope to write more, also, and thanks for the compliment.


You’re stranded on a desert island. What three items do you bring?

Sharp knife One dozen hogs Small seaplane


Hey Nick! I heard from my teacher (Liz) that you two dated during college and she also said that for your audition to play Ron Swanson you sang a song while peeing into a cup, and then drank your own piss. Is this true?

I have drunk the urine I’ve drunk.

Close enough. (Via)

What’s the best way to win a lady’s heart?

Sincerity, Good Manners, Dependability. Give the clitoris your attention, but don’t remain on it all night. Work the perimeter before driving to the basket.


Would you ever consider being in a reality-esk woodworking, regularly airing television series? A “this old house” type thing but with your woodworking projects?

I did a show 10 or 11 years ago for Courteney Cox and David Arquette, called “Mix it Up” on the WE channel. I was the Ty Pennington of the show, the wisecracking carpenter. The only difference was that Ty never actually did any work because Trading Spaces had a budget, which means they had 6 unseen stalwarts building armoires out in the yard, freeing up Ty to be cute as shit. On our show, we lacked the $$$, so I was hauling way too much ass trying to get furniture built and crown moulding mitred and hung in 3 days per episode, being filmed all the while. Hanging chair rail in an Elvis Presley costume while someone behind a camera is telling you to be funnier turned out to be not super fun. I learned that I should make things if I wanted to, and I show do a who if I wanted to, but I shouldn’t try to do a show and make things at the same time. Short version: I like to make things of a quality that takes me a longer time than a tv show schedule could allow. (pfart.)

Just replace “awards” with “TV shows.” (Via)

What was it like when you had to kiss Rob Lowe?

I’m not going to lie. He made me pop. Literally?


You seem to reflect Ron closely, but what is something about you that is completely different? Also, what is something about you that surprises people?

I enjoy breakdancing, which Ron could most likely not comprehend. Ron would take my Rapper’s Delight and Grandmaster Flash cassettes and use them to prop up the leg of a wonky table at the diner. People are surprised by the panoply of aromas I can weave into a room’s atmosphere with my pooter clouds.


I have heard you are a huge LOTR fan, which of the 3 movies/books is your favorite and why.

I don’t think I could pick, as I sit here asking myself. I think of it as all one story. Treebeard is my dream babysitter.


If you had the chance to guest star on another tv series, what shows would be the top of your list?

Grizzly Adams The Dukes of Hazzard Little House on the Prairie Barney Miller Downton Abbey Breaking Bad Enlightened Krollshow


Who do you look up to the most?

Wendell Berry Tom Waits Frederic Offerman


Describe in two words your thoughts on the NYC Soda-ban being overturned.

In America, we are free. We are fat and free.


As promised:


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