The Fox News Closed Captioning Person Won The Boston Bomber Standoff Coverage

Well, I always suspected that Zooey Deschanel was a monster, but never would I have guessed that she was secretly Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. Thanks for the reveal, Fox News closed captioning person.

Poor Ben Gibbard. I expect can’t wait for the super emo Death Cab song this will surely inspire.

In other news, it’s over.