Parks and Recreation will forever be remembered for having one of the best ensemble casts in sitcom history. Everyone had their part to play in the Parks Department, and Tom Haverford’s role was unofficially Swag Master General. Pawnee may have been a very small pond, but Tom was determined to be the flashiest fish in that pond. Whether he was balling out with Jean Ralphio or Donna Meagle, Tom was on a never-ending quest for cool.
As it happens with many an Icarus, Tom faced his fair share of setbacks over the course of seven seasons, both in love and his career. Still, he never lost his swagger or his sense of confidence, whether he was inventing Snake Juice or “Know Your Boo.” The next time you need a boost, remember these words of wisdom from Tommy Fresh.
“At the risk of bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me. Smiling and taking partial credit.”
Part of being a baller is knowing how to be at the right place at the right time. Being in the presence of greatness is sure to rub off on you, so surround yourself with tastemakers and culture shakers. You never know who will inspire you next. Or, just hang out with awesome people you like who will make you more awesome by extension.
“I am a party scientist. Welcome to my laboratory.”
Everyone knows that a party can make or break your quest for greatness. If it’s a dud, it’s back to social Siberia for you, buddy. The right party requires a perfect balance of fun, excitement, and foam machines, so it is up to you not to mess this one up. Not that you would, as the Party Scientist In Residence.
“Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.”
If you’re anything like Tom, your wardrobe is a canvas for you to express your personality. Don’t be afraid to shake things up and get a little fancy if the mood strikes you. An ascot is a real power play, and will bring your swag quota to the next level, as well as being classy as hell.
“I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba. Little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba! DJ Roomba, tearin’ it up!”
A real baller can turn any mundane task into an event. Sure, cleaning your house isn’t what many would define as “cool,” but fashioning a robot to not only clean but also blare your favorite tunes is definitely a step in the right direction. I mean, are you going to wear headphones like an ordinary person? Absolutely not.
“Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”
They say that success is mostly sweat and determination, so a true baller knows that you can’t cut corners. If you’re going to discover the next dope thing, you can’t waste any time.
“Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.”
It’s important not to let the things that you can’t change get you down. Sure, you might get knocked down and taste the cold blood of defeat in your mouth, but optimism will get you a long way. With each new trial you may face, it’s best to just approach the next one with a can-do attitude, and maybe a couple of strippers.
“If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.”
If they can’t make a reality show about it, does it even count as a real job? When you’re trying to create your brand, you may have to pay your dues. Still, that doesn’t mean that you can’t find work that’s fulfilling. And by fulfilling, I definitely mean work that will bring you fame and fortune.
“I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word ‘bistro’ is classy as sh*t.”
The best part of this is that Tom, a true baller, really made Tom’s Bistro happen. It wasn’t an easy road, but it soon became Pawnee’s hot spot for the stars. Still, this is proof that ideas and hard work go hand in hand. He may have had a million terrible ideas before Tom’s Bistro, but one eventually stuck.
“No, I don’t text her, ‘It was nice meeting you.’ I wait eight weeks and I text her, ‘What’s crackin?'”
No one ever said that hearts wouldn’t be broken on the way to greatness. It’s best not to tie yourself down too early, you wild stallion. When you find your one true boo, you’ll know that you can stop the games. Until then, play on, playa. Try to find the fine line between unattainable and available for some fun on Friday night.
“Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: is it a banger?”
Is your party, nay, your life, going to succeed if all you listen to is soft rock and classical music? NOPE. If you want people to dance and your life to be dope, it’s best to recognize early that that requires a playlist packed with bangers. Nobody ever got their swag on to Dave Matthews Band.
“You don’t know Jay-Z’s schedule. He’s a Renaissance man.”
Everyone has a hero. It’s good to have someone to look up to, so why not a true mogul like Hova himself? Sure, Tom never reached quite the same heights as Jay, but everyone needs aspirations. Be a Renaissance man in your own right, and never let the haters get you down.
