In addition to our weekly recaps of True Detective this season, we will also be pulling out important life lessons that you, the viewer, can learn from the events of each episode. These lessons will range from helpful to very, very not helpful. You are welcome.
Oh, Jesus. Where do we even start here? I mean, how does one attempt to extract a single lesson from the finale of the second season of True Detective? There was just… so much. So very much.
Like, maybe the lesson should be “Don’t Take a Detour on Your Way to a Multimillion-Dollar Venezuelan Escape.” That would be a good one. Because, really, what the hell are you doing there, Ray? I get that you want to see your kid one last time, but think about this. Your face is all over television because you’ve been framed for at least one high-profile murder, you were just involved in a public shootout while wearing a cowboy hat, and you just stole a huge pile of cash from the Russian mob. This is probably the worst possible time to swing by a location where public records clearly indicate that a close relation of yours will be during a set period of the day. And it wasn’t even to actually talk to him! You just saluted from afar! You got caught and murdered moments from freedom over something you could have easily done two weeks later via Facetime from a luxurious South American estate you paid for in cash. Come on, guy.
(A brief aside: What exactly is the timeline here? Ray and Frank killed Osip at the house upstate at night. They then fled immediately and went their separate ways. Ray told Ani he was “40 miles out” as the sun was rising. And when he got to his kid’s school, the students appeared to be at recess already. I suppose this is a silly thing to nitpick given everything else that happened during the episode, but either traffic was really, really awful, or — even assuming this episode took place in December and the sun rose around 7:00 — those kids were at recess at like 8:30 or 9:00 a.m. That is too early for recess. This is why other countries are beating us at math.)
Or maybe the lesson should be “Don’t Vote for the Tanned Partyboy Son of the Corrupt Mayor Who Was Found Dead in His Pool Surrounded by Pills and Booze Outside an Opulent Mansion That He Shouldn’t Be Able to Afford on a Mayor’s Salary and Which Said Partyboy Son Also Lives In,” because this happened…