TV Gourmet: Making the Steak-Tanic from ‘Happy Endings’

In TV Gourmet’s past, we’ve made multiple meals at once, first this, then this, then the all-“Simpsons” one. This time, though, Nadia (who took the photos) and I are focusing on a single dish: the STEAK-TANIC, mentioned during last week’s episode of “Happy Endings,” the best non-“Community” or “Parks and Recreation” comedy on a broadcast channel. (Sorry, “2 Broke Girls”!)

Steak-Tanic was created by Dave Rose (played by Zachary Knighton) to boost revenue for his steak sandwich truck, Steak Me Home Tonight, and on the following pages, you can see how to make it yourself. Be warned: things get a little graphic.

What you’ll need:

1. Two pounds of steak

2. “A liter of” garlic aioli

3. Half a block of smoked Gouda

4. Head of iceberg lettuce

5. A hero (no, not me, but the bread)

Begin by sizzling strips of steak, while also peeling off layers from the iceberg lettuce. According to Dave, there are three layers of lettuce on the finished sandwich, so you’ll need a lot. When you finish with the vegetable, either take out the garlic aioli if it’s pre-prepared, or make it yourself, which is what we did.

How to make it: put a lot of mayo and crushed garlic into a bowl (Dave calls for a liter of the aioli, which is equal to four cups—we did about two cups worth, because holy sh*t, that’s a lot of mayo), and squeeze a lemon for its precious, precious juice into said bowl. Then stir. POIDH?

After you’ve sizzled two pounds of steak and have a bowl full of the aioli, a plate full of lettuce, a wedge full of Gouda, and a sliced hero, you’re ready to put everything together. Begin with a layer of steak on the bottom of the bread, as seen here:

Then the sauce:

Then some cheese and lettuce:

Then more steak, then more sauce, then more lettuce and cheese, etc. Repeat until you’ve got three layers of lettuce and have used all the steak and sauce, with as close to a full wedge of cheese used as you can muster. Or should I say muenster! Cheese jokes, people.

It should look a little something like this when it’s finished:

Now, the fun part.


Yeah, I know what I’m doing down there.

How did it taste? Delicious. To put this meal in context, I was deathly sick when we made the sandwich (actually, that’s slightly hyperbolic — when I made the sandwich); I couldn’t breathe and it hurt to speak. But when I bite into the Sandwich of Dreams, the STEAK-TANIC, I felt like a new man. I felt reborn. I felt like THE KING OF THE WORLD.

I’m sorry. But the sandwich was very, very good, and though my disdain for mayonnaise remains as ever-present as my love for Billy “The Phantom” Zane, the steak and Gouda more than overpowered the aioli. Two pounds, a brick of cheese, and multiple cups of sauce is a lot, though (I could barely pick up the thing, and Nadia made her way through it with a fork and knife), so we were unable to finish the sandwich, but I could imagine making a smaller version of the same recipe some day, though. The Steak-Carpathia?

My heart literally would not go on if I ate all of that.