After the success of the original TV Gourmet, Josh and Nadia are back with another installment of the series, with two guest stars: Matt, who’s actually not much of a guest considering he runs the site, and long-time reader, first-time participator Adam. This time, they made meals from “The Simpsons,” “Freaks and Geeks,” “Arrested Development,” “Friends,” and “Saturday Night Live.”
As always, enjoy, and if you die while eating any of these meals, just remember: our bad.
The Good Morning Burger
As seen on: “The Simpsons”
What you’ll need: 18 ounces of beef, bacon, ham, butter, hamburger bun, eggs. Cooking instructions from the editor:
1. Eighteen ounces is a LOT of hamburger. Go with low heat and give it plenty of time. Oh, and cook it in bacon grease. Homer would want it that way.
2. Once the burger looks about halfway done, start cooking the bacon. THICK-CUT, bitches.
3. Fry the eggs in the grease from the bacon pan. Again, this is what Homer would want.
4. Put everything on the bun.
5. Eat. Feel manly.
It’s impossible to properly cook over a pound of cow and not have the inside gush blood like the elevator in The Shining without slightly burning the exterior. That’s where the butter came in handy; its juiciness made up for the burger’s crispiness. The egg and beef went together extremely well (those Texans are really on to something), and the bacon and ham topping made for a wonderful meat tornado. The slab of bovine and swine between the buns was gigantic, so the burger (which looked like the chemically-enhanced Mondo Burgers from Good Burger) was split in half, with Adam and Matt sharing one half and Nadia and I the other. It tasted great, and for the few minutes it took us to eat the thing, the only real words coming from our mouths were, “Oh man, that’s good.” Food porn at its best.
[Editor’s note: I would have happily eaten the entire thing.]
As seen on: “Freaks and Geeks”
What you’ll need: Cayenne pepper, pickle juice, mustard, salt, sardines, vinegar, soy sauce, chili, dairy creamer, jelly, and after-dinner mints
1. Put a dash of this, a glob of that into a blender (it’s not an exact science)
2. Blend until it look likes a diarrhea and vomit cocktail
In the “Freaks and Geeks”’ episode (“Tricks and Treats”), the cold open shows Bill betting Sam and Neil that he’ll drink anything for $10, as long as it’s “something you can eat,” meaning nothing from the bathroom or garage. No detergents or cut-up bits of sponge, either. The two boys throw all the above-mentioned items into a blender, creating an unholy brown liquid. This was the recipe no one wanted to try but everyone wanted to make it—it was a lot of fun lining up the bottles and tins in order, and squeezing and shaking them into the blender.
But that’s where the fun stopped, because my god did it taste awful. Matt filled up three shot glasses with the sludge, and the three guys (Nadia had some after) tried to man up, but only ended up drinking about half (or less, in my case) of the content in the small glasses. The mustard was the most overwhelming ingredient, followed by the fish-stink of the sardines. The spicy taste was lodged in our throats for hours after, like a wad of gum you just can’t swallow. It was LITERALLY one of the worst things I’ve ever tasted, and I’ve eaten at Arby’s. Ten bucks was underselling the dare—you’d have to pay me at least $15 to try this concoction again. Inflation, man.
I’m off to the side, gagging.
As seen on: “Arrested Development”
What you’ll need: mayonnaise, soft-boiled egg
1. Soft boil an egg
2. Place egg in mouth and suggestively add mayonnaise
Author’s Note: I hate soft-boiled eggs, so, possibly for the first time ever on Warming Glow, here’s something written by a woman. Specifically, Nadia.
The mayonnaise, which wasn’t even Hellmann’s but rather a generic, cheaper brand, tasted tart and I shoved the eggs into my mouth as quickly as I could. Overall, it was mostly bland, save for the yolk, with a slight vinegar aftertaste (the eggs were soft-boiled with vinegar, a cooking trick). I ate it as quickly as I could, but still felt slightly nauseated for some time afterward.
This has been Written by a Woman. Join us next week for Written by a Black Guy.
As seen on: “Friends”
What you’ll need: Ladyfingers, jam, custard, raspberries, beef, peas and onions, bananas, and whipped cream
1. Layer the ingredients above as per Rachel’s instructions: “First, there’s a layer of Ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, then raspberries, then more Ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, then more custard, then bananas, then whipped cream on top.”
A confused combination of an English trifle and shepherd’s pie, the trifle isn’t nearly as bad as I would have assumed—in fact, it’s something I’d probably eat again, if there was nothing else in the fridge and I was drunk and starving and Domino’s was closed. Everything in the recipe is tasty, and while I’ve never thought of pairing beef with bananas (although it’s sort of a “Doctor Who” reference), the two worked together nicely. Or, more accurately and phrased less eloquently: enough things paired up with other things to distract from the things that didn’t pair with other things. Instead of tasting raspberries and peas, I focused on the Ladyfingers and whipped cream. Joey Tribbiani, of all people, put it best when he explained, “What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood.” *laugh track* To think, all those “it tasted like Jennifer Aniston’s career—crap!” jokes are now useless, like Jennifer Aniston’s career. *laugh track again, followed by a sad “awww….”*
As seen on: “Saturday Night Live”
What you’ll need: bag of iceberg lettuce and mayonnaise
1. Place iceberg lettuce in a Ziploc bag
2. Squeeze mayo in said bag
3. Close bag and vigorously shake
To quote Matt, “It tastes like a fish fillet without the fish.” I got more of a McChicken vibe, but the point is still well taken. Iceberg is the worst, most watery kind of lettuce, and when it’s mixed with the eggy, oily fat of mayonnaise, it’s slimy and really makes you feel like a cheap bastard. I honestly can’t think of a more depressing, single-guy-living-in-a-bachelor-pad meal than iceberg lettuce and mayonnaise. But as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words, so I give you Matt’s reaction after eating a Shredder:
Next time, we’re doin’ drinks.