America’s Got Talent (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) – America’s Got Talent is back to teach us one thing… mainly, that America doesn’t have talent, we just have a bunch of B-list celebrities who get their 15 minutes by judging people, and we have a Nickelodeon star turned rapper turned Mariah Carey husband who thinks he can host.
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) – The reality competition that pits adults against children in order to illustrate how the brain deteriorates as you age returns. Am I smarter than a fifth grader? No, Fox, I’m not. But out of the two of us, I’m the one who doesn’t have to look forward to going through puberty in a couple of years, so, really, who’s #winning?
Deadliest Catch (DCS, 9:00 p.m.) – Josh has to be a hard ass on the Cornelia Marie; pranks are played on the Time Bandit; and Sig gives Jake a lesson in being a boat captain on the Northwestern.
Extreme Weight Loss (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) – I’m not sure what this show is about, but I’d guess from the title that it’s ABC’s version of The Biggest Loser. Tonight, two 400-pound brothers play some b-ball, meet Kobe Bryant, and they may even lose weight.
Texas Rising (HIST, 9:00 p.m.) – Colonel Fannin’s troops are faced with surrendering to the Mexican Army, General Santa Anna is still an asshole, and Brendan Frasier is convinced he’s the next Pocahontas.
iZombie (CW, 9:00 p.m.) – A suicide victim’s brains come complete with a side of paranoia and an extra helping of mixed reality for Liv, while Major deals with Clive’s investigation.
I Can Do That! (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) – Celebrities think they can do everything. It turns out, they can’t. The basic premise for the premiere of (yet another) NBC reality show.
Tosh.0 (Comedy Central, 10:00 p.m.) – In which Tosh checks in on some of the show’s legends, faces some annoying fans, and shocks the movie industry.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kimmel, Fallon, Meyers, Corden and Conan are all repeats tonight.