Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2015 (ABC, Wednesday 8:00-11:00 p.m. and then 11:30 p.m till 1:00 a.m.) — Not Dick Clark is joined by Jenny McCarthy, various musical acts, and footage of Dick Clark that will make you sad.
The Twilight Zone Marathon (Syfy, Already in Progress) — For the 20th year in a row, Syfy is running a marathon of classic Twilight Zone episodes while the Night Gallery catalog sits woefully in a corner. Unloved.
College Football Bowl Games Part 1 (ESPN, Wednesday 12:30 p.m.) — It’s a day of collegiate athletic achievement as Mississippi takes on TCU in the Peach Bowl (12:30), Boise State plays Arizona in the Fiesta Bowl (4:10), Mississippi State faces Georgia Tech in the Orange Bowl (8:10), and it’s Daschunds against Pit Bulls in a woefully mismatched Dog Bowl (Check local listings for this event that I made up).
Pitbull’s New Year’s Revolution (FOX, Wednesday 8:00-10:00 p.m. and 11:00p.m. to 12:30 a.m.) — If you drink every time that Pitbull refers to himself as “Mr. 305”, you will die. Do not drink every time Pitbull refers to himself as “Mr. 305”.
A Toast to 2014! (NBC, Wednesday 8:00 p.m.) — Hoda Kotb and human wine bottle coozie Kathie Lee Gifford look back at the whole of 2014 while chit chatting with Weird Al Yankovic, Russell Brand, William Shatner, Ian Ziering, and a lot of people who have shows on NBC.
The Simpsons Marathon (FXX, Wednesday 9:00 p.m.) — FXX is running the season premiers and finales for 25 seasons of The Simpsons tonight into tomorrow. Meanwhile, I’ll be running a 24-hour Duckman marathon within the theater of my mind. Jealous?
New Year’s Eve with Carson Daly (NBC, Wednesday 10:00-11:00 p.m. and then 11:30 p.m. to 12:30 a.m.) — Though I’d rather watch Get Loaded with Kurt Loder, Soar Into The New Year with Tabitha Soren, or DudeBros & Ball Dropz with Dan Cortese, tonight I want to celebrate the celestial being known as Carson Daly. Because tonight, even though The Tonight Show is a re-run, Carson Daly goes on BEFORE Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers. Enjoy this triumph, Carson.
MTV’s NYE 2015 (MTV, Wednesday 11:00 p.m.) — MTV’s annual bash is hosted by Charlamagne and Victoria Justice. Oh red squiggly line, I can do nothing to satisfy your hunger. That’s just how Charlamagne spells his or her name.
The Golden Girls Marathon (Logo TV, Thursday 10:00 a.m.) — You’re a pal and a confidant, so I think we can travel down the road together and throw a party where we invite Rose, Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia for a New Year’s Day marathon of Golden Girls episodes. These song lyrics were not googled.
Fargo Marathon (FXM, Thursday 2:00 p.m.) — If you missed Billy Bob Thornton’s creepy coolness and a show that many critics are calling the best thing to ever burst from the chest of reality with the power of a slicked bullet from a powerful gun, then here is your chance to catch up.
College Football Bowl Games Part 2 (ESPN/ESPN 2/ABC, Thursday 12:00 p.m.) — Auburn takes on Wisconsin in The Outback Bowl (ESPN2, 12:00 p.m.), Michigan State tries to measure up against Baylor in The Cotton Bowl (ESPN, 12:30 p.m.), Missouri and Minnesota play a game with a leather ball in The Citrus Bowl (ABC, 1:00 p.m.), Oregon faces Florida State in The Rose Bowl (ESPN, 5:00 p.m.), and Alabama takes on Ohio State in The Sugar Bowl (ESPN, 8:30 p.m.)
All the late night shows are off the air or in re-runs, but you have no need for comedy in the midnight hour for you shall be (safely) partying into night. Happy New Year, I love you.