TV

How Modern Life Would Totally Ruin Being Stranded On An Island

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It’s a time-honored favorite of a conversation starter – if you were stranded on an island, what’s the one item you’d want with you? What’s the one book, one album, one movie? However the question has been posed, there’s a great chance you’ve at least pondered the idea of living out your days on a small island in the middle of nowhere, never again seeing your family or dealing with the rat race. Heck, some people might even call it “paradise.”

The new TBS series Wrecked offers this idea with another classic twist – you’re not alone. Instead, possibly far worse, you’re stranded and trapped with complete strangers, which, while it can be helpful in terms of teamwork and moral support, is usually a nightmare because, let’s face it, people are the worst. We’re all hopeless without our technology and comfortable surroundings, and would likely turn into complete savages or annoying complainers without those things.

So, with that in mind, here’s a look at the worst people you can get stuck with on an island.

People Who Need GPS

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There was a time when man didn’t need to rely on Siri or Google Maps or any other internet technology to get from point A to point B. Long ago, our parents used things called “maps,” which were large sheets of paper with streets and highways drawn all over them. In fact, if you can even believe it, some people used to use the sun to determine the time of day and stars to estimate their location. Technological advancement has devolved most of us to the point where we’re pretty much helpless if directions aren’t available at the tap of a thumb. Heaven help you if you wind up stranded with someone who can’t find their way from one side of the island to the other without a soothing computerized voice whispering in their ear.

People Who Think They Are The Boss 

The cold truth is that there are a lot of people who think that because they have seen all the movies on TV and at the movie theater that they are natural born leaders. They’re the know-it-alls who expect the glory with none of the effort or actual skill. If you’re stranded on an island, things could quickly escalate to Lord of the Flies-level scary if this kinda survivor falls assbackwards into a position of authority, so always keep an eye out for signs that someone in your group is itching to take control, lest you wind up in a worse situation than you thought possible.

People Who Turn Everything Into A Selfie Moment

You’re tired of complaining about selfies, we’re tired of complaining about selfies, your parents are tired of complaining about selfies, and those rainforest tribes who have never been exposed to civilization are tired of complaining about selfies. So, if you’re stranded on an island with people and you get the itch to capture yourself in the moment with a zany or super serious model face, save it for the rescue shot and maybe save the battery power.

People Who Won’t Stop Being Positive

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It’s incredibly unhip to be a cynic now, but that doesn’t mean that the complete 180 of that is any better — especially when stranded on an island. Do you really think it is helpful to hear how everything is going to work out and that this is a life experience we should all treasure when the group is taking turns digging a latrine or trying to spell out the word “HELP” on the beach with washed up bodies? Keep it real. Freak out a little. But keep your freak out to yourself.

People Who Speak In The Cadence Of Our Time

This one may just be us being picky, but the reality that you crash landed on an island does not need a “literally” to ram it on home and the situation truly does call for the full “Oh My God!” and not just an “O-M-G.” It’s hella bad. Totes and for reals, bro.

People Who’ve Forgotten How To Talk To Each Other 

Internet and texting culture have slaughtered the English language to the point that people have forgotten how to talk to each other in the real world. Manners, respect, kindness – all of these once-cherished things are nearing extinction because people have traded them in for being succinct, inappropriate, and, worst of all, hip. Communication is key for survival, though. There is no emoji for “I found firewood.”

People Who Are Picky Eaters

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Fancy yourself a bit of a foodie? Trading in all of those GMOs and preservatives for farm-to-table meals, while avoiding gluten because your friend’s favorite blogger told you it’s the thing to do? Well, we have bad news for you. When you’re stuck on an island, trying to ration what’s left of the airplane peanuts while using your shoelaces as fishing line, the only food restriction you have should expect to hold onto is the one about eating human meat. And even then, you’ll probably be tempted to have a cheat day as time goes by.

‘Wrecked’ premieres Tuesday, June 14 at 10/9c on TBS.

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