Boob Plate Armor Is More Dangerous Than A Chainmail Bikini

It’s a fairly common fantasy trope: The full sheet of plate armor with two gigantic spheres to accommodate the bounteous female breasts of way too many women in fantasy games, comics, and movies. But at least it’s better than the chainmail bikini, right?

While the feminism of that question is debatable, the science isn’t: Boob armor is basically a deathtrap.

Emily Asher-Perrin breaks out, hilariously, just what would go horribly, horribly wrong:

Let’s say you even fall onto your boob-conscious armor. The divet separating each breast will dig into your chest, doing you injury. It might even break your breastbone. With a strong enough blow to the chest, it could fracture your sternum entirely, destroying your heart and lungs, instantly killing you.

If that weren’t enough, Perrin notes that the design of the armor actually drives attacks inward, towards your chest, as opposed to directing the energy outward. And considering plate armor involves having what amounts to a ton of padding stuffed into it before you even get in, since surprisingly being a walking tank with pounds of steel pressing down on your body is painful and uncomfortable, the whole boob container thing is kind of pointless anyway.

But we guess it’s the fantasy that’s more important. So we suggest a compromise: Everybody, regardless of gender, has to wear boob plate armor. Sound good?