Today is Canada Day, and we know not everyone understands the history of this swell holiday. Sorry if you do know the history and we were being presumptuous. For everyone else, grab a double-double, queue up, and prepare to learn the A to Zed about Canada Day.
On July 1, 1867, Canada became a country when Mordecai Richler mounted a majestic moose and told the queen of England, “Take off, hoser.” It was touch and go for awhile, as the English troops stood around waiting for the most polite moment to excuse themselves. Luckily, their departure was sped up by Farley Mowat, who swooped in with a pack of wolves and shouted “Jesus Murphy! Would you troops please excuse yourselves as quickly as I sort my recyclables?”
You may wonder how Mordecai Richler and Farley Mowat traveled to 1867, but the answer is simple, eh. They had a time machine provided by Michael J. Fox.
There was a bit of a kerfuffle in that England didn’t entirely let Canada go until 1982. We can credit Terry Fox with that. His nearly-successful one-legged cross-Canada run inspired millions. (Note to self: check if there are millions of people in Canada.) In 1981, after Terry Fox lost the battle with the cancer whale that ate his leg, the first annual Terry Fox Run was held in his honor. They ran all the way to England and told the House of Lords to stay out of Canada. A lot of people drowned, but Canada was officially independent.
Margaret Atwood wrote a book about this, titled After The Kerfuffle, and it was the BEST THING I’VE EVER READ! William Shatner released a concept album based on the book. It sold few copies at the time, but now hipsters pretend to like it ironically.
Most importantly, Justin Bieber had nothing to do with any of this. He doesn’t even exist. He’s a mythical creature, like the chupacabra. They both suck goats.
And that, boys and girls, is the story of Canada Day.
FASCINATING FACTS ABOUT CANADA:
Did you know Canada’s national anthem originally started with the line, “O Canada, it’s really not so bad“? It was later rewritten when Parliament decided this was a bit too modest, even for Canadians.
Did you know you’re supposed to say timbit instead of bit, meaning the previous sentence is grammatically incorrect in Canada? I’m very sorry.
Did you know there was a Canadian version of Breaking Bad which aired on the CBC for only a pilot episode?
Did you know Marvel comic’s Captain Canuck was based on the real Captain Canada, also known as his alter ego, Nathan Fillion?
Did you know Canadians have the most lovable police chases?
And the most quaint forms of vandalism?
But never, never f*ck with their hockey fans.
Did you know MuchMusic is better than MTV?
Did you know beavers are the national animal of Canada? (That one is true.)
Did you know beloved television hosts Bob and Doug McKenzie won ALL the Oscars for their innovative remake of Hamlet?
Did you know timbits are a form of currency in Newfoundland?
Colin Mochrie exists.