I’ve got to get something off my chest. A couple of weeks back, I covered Charlie Sheen doing the ice bucket challenge from the angle “Charlie Sheen Just Ruined the Ice Bucket Challenge For Everyone.” Basically, in case you missed it: Charlie Sheen dumped a bucket of money, not water, on his head — in the most grandiose, Charlie Sheen way possible — which he then said he was donating to the ALS fund as an excuse to antagonize his former Two and a Half Men employer, co-star, and replacement.
It was not well received. Comments to the post, both on UPROXX and by the thousand on Facebook were in the general consensus of “HURRRRRRR how did he ruin anything he donated a lot of money, ur stoopid Charlie Sheen is a #HERO #WINNING.”
Let me address two points, here. Yes, it was certainly an act of generosity for Charlie Sheen to donate to the ALS fund. I’m not denying that. But $10,000 is also not a tremendous amount of money for Charlie Sheen. I’d have to wager that $10,000 is only a fraction of Charlie Sheen’s “hooker and blow” budget when he’s on a bender. Which is probably like every other week.
Secondly, lest we all forget: Charlie Sheen is, at his worst, a disturbed individual with a history of domestic abuse and violence. At his best, he’s a buffoon absolutely subject to our ridicule — and one charitable act does not cancel any of that out. So on this day, which happens to be Charlie Sheen’s 49th birthday — because somehow he’s only forty-nine — here is a ranking of Charlie Sheen’s Charlie Sheen-iest moments from the past four years, so we can all put things in perspective. And, hopefully, heal.
Charlie Sheen was stumbling around the Seine River in Paris last April when a gaggle of bros came along and proceeded to engage him in some drunk photography. As one does when encountering Drunk Charlie Sheen! No one knows what he was doing by himself drunk in Paris — but is further reason needed other than that he’s Charlie Sheen?
#9) Trying To Trademark His Own Catchphrases
Following his hugely public meltdown, Charlie Sheen tried to capitalize off of his insanity (because if nothing else, he’s a very shrewd businessman) by attempting to trademark words and phrases such as “Duh, Winning,” “Vatican Assassin,” “Tiger Blood” and “Rock Star From Mars.” Yes. Charlie Sheen tried to trademark “winning,” a word that has been around much longer than Charlie Sheen. I don’t think he was successful in his efforts.
As with Charlie Sheen drunk in Paris, Charlie Sheen drunk at Taco Bell involves Charlie Sheen just stumbling around drunk by himself, only this time at Taco Bell instead of Paris — to the delight of bystanders who caught this most special of creatures in the wild. If you’re wondering why it was ranked higher than Charlie Sheen being drunk in Paris, well, it’s because Taco Bell is far sadder than Paris and therefore that much more Charlie Sheenier.
In September of last year, just a scant five months before his next engagement (we’re almost getting to that) Charlie Sheen went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and discussed his three girlfriends — two of which were already involved in a sexual relationship prior to getting involved with Sheen. So there’s that cozy little mental imagery to get you through the rest of your day.
#6) Becoming Engaged for the Fifth Time to a Porn Star
Because the fifth time’s the charm? Charlie Sheen has only actually been married three times previously although this will be his fifth engagement. His engagement to Kelly Preston was never made official because he SHOT HER. At any rate, Sheen decided to settle down earlier this year with just one porn star instead of several, Brett Rossi — who has since changed her name to Scottine Sheen, her birth first name and his last. Presumably because they can’t wed yet since she’s technically still married to some other dude. Ah, romance.
#5) Spoofing His Own Meltdown, While Still Melting Down
In March of 2011, less than a month after the start of his very public meltdown, Charlie Sheen collaborated with Funny or Die to make this video, spoofing his, uh, meltdown. I don’t think it was so much self-awareness at that point though, so much as it was like a toddler who realizes that he can get a rise out of everyone for saying a dirty word — so by gum, he’s gonna say that word until people stop being entertained by it.
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#4) Getting Into a Fight With Farrah Abraham
Farrah Abraham, who is not very smart, leaked a bunch of private texts to TMZ in which she and Charlie Sheen had discussed setting up a play date for their children. This did not go over well with Sheen, who responded via TMZ (of course) calling her a “desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua.” I’m personally amazed it took him that long to get into a fight with a teen mom turned porn star.
#3) Telling Twitter to Smear Rotten Eggs and Poop All Over His Daughter’s School
Charlie Sheen’s daughter Sam was allegedly getting bullied at school and the school apparently refused to do anything about it, so Sheen did what any sane person would do and called out both the name of the little girl and the school to his millions of Twitter followers and commanded them to smear “rotten eggs and dog poop” all over the school. It’s unknown if any of his followers took him up on it.
#2) “The Goddesses”
In the midst of his 2011 meltdown, Charlie Sheen had two women living with him at his “Sober Valley Ranch” whom he referred to as his “goddesses” — 20-something porn star Bree Olson and model and graphic designer Natalie Kenly. It was unsettling to say the least, and by “unsettling” I mean “six kinds of barfy gross.”
#1) Public Meltdown Following Two and A Half Men Being Put On Hiatus
In January of 2011 after Two and a Half Men was put on hiatus so Charlie Sheen could attend a network mandatory rehab, Chuck Lorre closed out an episode of the show’s 8th season with a vanity card that made a dig at the series star, which stated that he was “gonna be pissed” if Charlie Sheen outlived him — in response to remarks Sheen had publicly made about his unhappiness with the situation.
Well. That led to the epic meltdown which caused the entire rest of the 8th season to be cancelled temporarily leaving the fate of Two and a Half Men up in the air and Sheen eventually fired and killed off of the series. For his part, Charlie Sheen would overshare rants of insanity to anyone who would put a microphone in his face, which many media outlets were more than happy to oblige including Alex Jones, Today, Good Morning America and last and also least, TMZ.
It was the birth of “winning,” “tiger’s blood,” and “wizard” among other catchphrases, and ushered in a renaissance of Crazy Charlie Sheen. Instead of being ostracized, he was celebrated by the people, made a hero and given a lucrative new TV deal. I weep for our nation.