https://twitter.com/rachel/status/1066189521941860353
A certain type of preachy advice format is being repurposed for sarcastic jokes on Twitter this week. The format started with the phrase, “Ladies, if he…” followed by a list of arguably negative character traits like “doesn’t like every one of your social media posts” and concluding with the verdict that those attributes mean “he is not your man.”
The format was quickly picked up by jokers using the format to declare who else isn’t your man, including historical figures, inanimate objects, fictional characters, and even Microsoft’s beloved and loathed mascot, Clippy. It’s too bad Clippy isn’t our man; he (he?) is exceedingly sexy, if the Amazon erotica is to be believed. (Editorial note: do not believe Amazon erotica. You will try to grind up on Bigfoot or a symbiote and then you’ll die.)
But it wasn’t just sexy, saucy Clippy who was being disqualified from “your man” status. People also applied the format to other brand mascots who are definitely not your man:
https://twitter.com/alisonguzzetti/status/1066362763138740227
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he's drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe's not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 24, 2018
There were also plenty of music references:
https://twitter.com/rcsanchez93/status/1066864638279778305
Ladies if she:
-has flaming locks of auburn hair
-ivory skin
-eyes of emerald greenShe’s got your man, she’s Jolene
— cas says free palestine (@CrappyFumes) November 27, 2018
Many people on Twitter waxed historical:
https://twitter.com/0pxj0/status/1066370087542841345
https://twitter.com/ronnyravegan/status/1066355886891851776
Ladies, if he:
-only responds if u text in emojis
-doesn’t care about your single wife policy
-refuses to wear anything but fine linens
-is a staunch polytheist
-claims victory at Kadesh when it was a tieHe’s not your man. He’s Egypt’s greatest king from Dyn 19, Ramesses II
— Dr. Sarah Parcak (@indyfromspace) November 23, 2018
Ladies, if he:
-responds late to your texts
-favs you, but never RTs
-has 8 children with another woman
-makes the most accurate planetary observations of his era
-dies of an exploding bladderHe’s not your man. He’s Danish astronomer and nobleman Tycho Brahe.
— Amos Posner (@AmosPosner) November 24, 2018
https://twitter.com/ragsoflove/status/1065960788073070593
Ladies, if he:
– only responds after you double text
– doesn't care about your snap streak
– refuses to shave
– is a staunch abolitionist
– returns to Ohio after serving only one termHe's not your man. He's 19th president Rutherford B Hayes
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) November 22, 2018
Ladies, if he:
-is sometimes inconsistent
-speaks in formulaic phrases
-repeats the same stock scene over and over again
-can't commit to a Greek dialectHe's not your man, he is a collected tradition of poetry composed during performance by itinerant bards #Homer #OralTheory
— David J. Wright (@rmavirumquecano) November 24, 2018
https://twitter.com/resentfultweet/status/1067159558701772800
TV characters were also a popular source of humor:
Ladies, if he
-doesn’t text back
-will only see you once a week
-claims to be overseeing your department
-makes you plant a bugged pen in your bosses office
-disguises his wife as his sisterhe’s not your man, he’s KGB agent Philip Jennings disguised as Clark Westerfeld
— becca (@TamingofdeSchuh) November 25, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t return your texts
– always criticizes the results of your hard work and withholds praise for your efforts
– gives vague ultimatums and disappears when you most need help
– loves breadHe isn’t your man. He’s baker and tv personality Paul Hollywood
— Great Bakes, Hot Takes (@greatbakespod) November 25, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– has snow white hair
– glowing green eyes
– could walk through walls, disappear and fly
– was much more unique then the other guys
– is here to fight for me and youHe's not your man. He's Danny Phantom.
— Nate 🤠 (@singledadissad) November 23, 2018
ladies, if he:
– never lets you see him
– keeps a barrier between you
– offers common sense disguised as sage advice
– always wears a fishing hat
– lives next to tim the tool man taylorhe’s not your man. he’s wilson from home improvement.
— anne t donahue (@annetdonahue) November 25, 2018
And movie characters were also not your man:
Ladies, if he:
-pops that gum one more time…
-can’t hold his arsenic…
-ran into your knife. He ran into your knife ten times…He’s not your man. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame.
— [kie.ran] (@danblackroyd) November 27, 2018
https://twitter.com/NOTVIKING/status/1066805478972248064
https://twitter.com/TeawithTolkien/status/1066165274301353984
Ladies, if he:
– Is slick as Gaston
– Is quick as Gaston
– Has a neck that's incredibly thick as Gaston
– Shoots like Gaston
– Makes those beauts like Gaston
– Goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
– Uses antlers in all of his decoratingHe's not your man. He's Gaston.
— Faith Moore (@FaithKMoore) November 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/PhilNobileJr/status/1067103576030396417
People even looked to sports to find guys who aren’t your man, in this case Carmelo Anthony of the (well, not anymore) Houston Rockets:
https://twitter.com/nitzbluv/status/1067252825439129605
Others reminded us that reading is fundamental:
https://twitter.com/HalpernAlex/status/1066752886053527553
Ladies, if he:
– never texts back
– doesn’t follow you on social media
– can’t go in the water
– emotionally tortures you
– has a super hard shellHe's not your man. He's a book, and books are better than men, so happy reading.
— Random House Group (@randomhouse) November 24, 2018
And many people got particularly creative about who your man isn’t.
Ladies, if he:
– ignores text messages
– doesn't like your tweets
– is always cold
– rarely opens up to you
– never leaves the house
– makes weird humming sounds at nightHe's not your man. He's a refrigerator.
— Daily Wire (@realDailyWire) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he
– lets you stare at him all day
– keeps your schedule organized
– accompanies you to the bathroomhe’s your phone
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) November 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/jdl_werewolf/status/1066760257991409664
Ladies, if he:
-is italian
-is hot and spicy
-ignores your texts
-loses your snap streak
-doesn’t like your tweets
-is delicious and nutritious
-can be made with three simple ingredientsHe isn’t your man. He’s a hot and spicy plate of spaghett.
— pigeon (@imskytrash) November 24, 2018
https://twitter.com/roxiqt/status/1066128565391962112
Ladies, if he:
– is always late
– never shaves
– eats 10% of his weight a day in plant matter
– leaves you every winter for warmer watersHe’s not your man, he’s a manatee.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) November 25, 2018
ladies if he:
-doesn’t return your messages
-can’t commit to a joke format
-don’t say it
-don’t say it
-don’t say it
-don’t say it
-[checks notes]he’s not your man, he’s: pic.twitter.com/AH1ua3AwEe
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) November 27, 2018
(Hat tip to The Mary Sue)