If you spent any time on social media on Independence Day, you may have heard rumblings about a Second Civil War between posts about your drunk uncle’s new GoFundMe page for his emergency room bill after a fireworks-related injury and posts with blurry photoshops of a Minion wearing camouflage and punching the Eiffel Tower or whatever other nonsense that people of questionable sanity were talking about. Speaking of nonsense that people of questionable sanity are talking about, Alex Jones took a break from shirtlessly calling the grieving parents of murdered six and seven year olds “crisis actors” to put forward another dumb and potentially violence-inciting conspiracy theory.
Jones claimed liberals, the media, and the deep state were teaming up to start a civil war (and not the fun kind) on July 4th. So how’d that go? Two words: womp womp. So we didn’t have a second civil war, but sarcastic people on the internet did have fun speculating about how that would go.
Potential combatants bided their time on Twitter by writing letters home in the style of highfalutin Civil War letters in a Ken Burns documentary, often hashtagging their work with #SecondCivilWarLetters:
https://twitter.com/TrancewithMe/status/1014352779190546432
Dear Ma and Pa,
It’s Day 2 of the #SecondCivilWar. My comrades and I have set up camp in a library. There is absolutely no chance they will find us here.
Love,
Sam#SecondCivilWarLetters— Sam Bova (@sam_bova) July 4, 2018
My beloved Harriet —
I write to you with a heavy heart. I was gravely memed during a skirmish with a squad of Incel Irregulars. Doc Tibbens says there’s nothing for it — he will have to amputate my Twitter feed.
Womp womp — Jed. #SecondCivilWarLetters
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 3, 2018
https://twitter.com/Buttockus/status/1014403113254453250
https://twitter.com/MildlyAmused/status/1014518067412512768
Dearest,
I am okay. I was almost captured by a curly hair blonde girl with an AR-15. But she was just taking selfies with the gun so I was able to escape.
Best,
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) July 3, 2018
Dear Dads,
General DeGrasse Tyson had our battalion dress as climate change, and we easily slipped past the MAGA fortifications. They refused to believe we had arrived until it was too late.
— Radical Moderate Thug (@paidprovocateur) July 4, 2018
Mother,
The streets of LA are so quiet today, as if the whole city holds its breath. Should we wear shorts with uggs or sundresses with grandpa sweaters? Will there be brunch after? Will the traffic be in our favor?Pray for us, mama. War is hell. #secondcivilwarletters
— Mariah McCourt (@TiredFairy) July 4, 2018
My Little Red Hen,
We are exhausted from caging toddlers and we found that the local saloon would not serve as as our hats were red and did not suit. This civil war lacks civility. Old man Dershowitz was runnin' wild today howlin' at the moon. The war has done stole his wits…— Biden/Harris 2024 (@GregProops) July 3, 2018
https://twitter.com/dantelfer/status/1014202382622904320
Darling,
While this war has been tiresome, I don’t expect it to last. Red Hat casualties are mounting. They choose not to treat their wounded brethren, instead they just scream “I’M NOT PAYING FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE” & leave them for dead.
Yours Always, A#secondcivilwarletters
— Keeping Cancer Classy😷 (@KeepCancrClassy) July 4, 2018
https://twitter.com/Tschudi_Davai/status/1013939072090497024
My dearest:
A brief skirmish yesterday against the 24th Kek Company, 3rd Incel Batallion ended in a terrible slaughter, though their commander sent a Gab post warning us that he had studied the blade. The field is a horror of blooded waifu pillows. #secondcivilwarletters
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018
Dear Mother: the WiFi is weak and my last #Resist tweet went unliked. iPhone battery at 3%. Soles of my Toms are worn thin. Tonight we decamp to the Prospect Park bandshell with only goat cheese, a flat sheet, and a dry Zinfandel to watch Antibalas perform.#secondcivilwarletters
— One Hot Mess AK (@libbybakalar) July 3, 2018
My dearest Olivia,
I miss you, but I miss many things in these dire times. Speedway no longer carries Monster because of the shortages. The dry cleaner said they'll take longer on my coat. Strawberries are up 20 CENTS! We may not survive the winter… #secondcivilwarletters
— Jeff Sorensen (@SorenJeff) July 3, 2018
Dearest husband, we of the condo owners infantry have bunked for the night at Anytime Fitness. We will do battle with enemy at Crossfit come the dawn. We run low on Clif bars. #secondcivilwarletters
— LinerElaine (@LinerElaine) July 3, 2018
https://twitter.com/Cjpotter2112/status/1014166562503319552
Dearest Emma
Colonel Hannity's red hats ambushed us at the Galleria yesterday. Many brave men were lost. We are down to our last wedge of Brie and the Chardonnay is dangerously close to room temperature. Remember: Tuesday is recycling . #SecondCivilWarLetters— A Fritz (@AnthonyFritz19) July 3, 2018
#secondcivilwarletters
We have snuck behind enemy lines and removed the gender-specific signage from their latrines. Now we wait for their bladders to explode.— Xeya Waxe 😷 (@TruthArrmy) July 4, 2018
My Dear Beloved,
News has trickled down that the leader's bride wears a uniform stating her lack of concern. Whilst her fucks have become depleted, alas, ours do runneth over. We intend to gather them and rally before the winter.#secondcivilwarletters— The Sardonic Peahen 🦚✨☠️✨ (@SardoNICKa) July 4, 2018
Guys, I don’t know how the Civil War is going, but I’m hearing A LOT of explosions right now. I assume victory is nigh.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) July 5, 2018
Others were still making their last minute preparations, or perhaps drafting their excuses:
https://twitter.com/ashleyn1cole/status/1014335832864493569
Is anyone bringing paper towels to the new Civil War tomorrow? I can do paper towels
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) July 4, 2018
twitter: the second civil war is today
me: who gonna be there
— Desus MF Nice💯 (@desusnice) July 4, 2018
https://twitter.com/travkeys/status/1014501362942423040
https://twitter.com/JRehling/status/1014391086289055746
https://twitter.com/kashanacauley/status/1014343239350931456
I know one thing for sure about the second Civil War: our USO shows will be WAY better than theirs.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) July 4, 2018
https://twitter.com/zachheltzel/status/1014572273020223488
Sorry. I can’t participate in the #SecondCivilWar tomorrow. I have bone spurs. But I can throw paper towels out of a moving vehicle if anyone needs me.
— JEN KIRKMAN (@JenKirkman) July 3, 2018
But some people were so over it:
I’m already bored with the #SecondCivilWar. I’m way more into #secondcivilwar reenactments.
— Bryan Behar (@bryanbehar) July 4, 2018
Who’s excited for a new Civil War:
• Adults who play militia on weekends instead of using their allocated time for supervised child visits
• Gun industry
• People who think Jesus is racist
• Racists
• Racists in the gun industry who think Jesus is racist
• Ken Burns— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) July 3, 2018
sorry i didn’t do the civil war today, it was too hot
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) July 5, 2018
Did we win?
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) July 5, 2018
https://twitter.com/SamGrittner/status/1014648435482550274