‘Goon’ Lines That’ll Make You Want To Throw Down

From Fight Club to Road House, seeing two characters knuckle-up and go to town is a damn good time for all involved. And the joy of the fight scene stems from what kind of brawl is going down. It can be a backwoods, throat-grabbing good time, or an underground bloodbath between “friends.” Uniqueness is vital to a fight scene, but so is the punchy dialogue before, during, and after.

The film, Goon, (which was co-written by Evan Goldberg and Man Seeking Woman star Jay Baruchel) stands out for its icy cold beatdowns and fun dialogue. Like all great sports films, it’s also a charming underdog tale, with dim brawler Doug Glatt (Seann William Scott) finally finding a place in this world by beating the crap out of opposing hockey players.

In honor of that charm and Sunday’s NHL All-Star game — a key moment on the calendar that celebrates the only major team sport that has the good sense to let its athletes settle things with their fists — we thought we’d look back at Goon and all of its best moments.

“My Brother’s Gay!” -Doug

Doug Glatt (Seann William Scott) doesn’t necessarily have a short fuse, but certain things set him off to a point of no return (and even that is an understatement). One of these things is the love he has for his brother. And when someone, specifically a foul-mouthed B-league hockey player, crosses him screaming obscenities about his bro, it is a fact that that guy is going down. This is the first glimpse into “that Doug sh*t” that Gord so eloquently refers to and boy does it not disappoint.

Doug: You’re not trying out for the…uh…the…wha…capades.
Teammate: Spit it out. You’re a big boy. Use your big boy words. Uhhh.
Doug: F*ck it.

Doug was a bouncer and knows exactly how to deal with bar rats who cause too much trouble. It’s second nature to him. But what happens when this same attitude and coordination has to be channeled via ice? Skating, and the balance it takes to skate, is beyond hard. So when Doug is made fun of for his lack of skill, his fuse starts to burn.

A pissed off Dougie Glatt, with ice-skates as weapons, is one scary sight.

“If they need me to bleed, then I’ll bleed for my team.” -Doug

Doug and the film’s thesis summed up in one sentence. Doug is a goon, a warrior. He loves what he does and he loves the team he plays for because they treat him like family (and he’s good at cracking skulls).

“Highlanders! Highlanders!” -Doug

Hockey games are amped up experiences. Fans are drunk and players are pumped. But it all starts in the locker room with players like Doug who harness their inner Rocky and are ready to leave it all out on the ice.

Every sports film needs a well put together final speech scene. This might not be an Any Given Sunday pre-game or an Eric Taylor special from Friday Night Lights, but it holds its own.

“It didn’t hurt at all.” -Doug

Again, here’s another testament to Doug’s character, but more so, his bravery. After having taken a puck to the dome, Doug’s only thought is that “it didn’t hurt at all.”

Caller: Hi. I was wondering if you like hotdogs.
Doug: Yes, I like hotdogs, but I prefer corndogs because you don’t need a bun for it. Because the bun is all around it. And you can eat it from a stick.

A hockey enforcer is on the ice to do two things: protect and wreck. Doug is a simple man living a basic life. At this point, nothing exciting is going on and he enjoys the everyday pleasures in life. Everyday pleasures like corndogs. He’s the perfect makeup for a goon because he’s a brute guy with only corndogs and hockey on the mind. Come to think of it, this should be what life is always about, right?

Gord: Way to go, Dougie! This boy popped a cherry tonight.
Doug: Popped my cherry. What does that mean?

Another line that sums up Dougie’s lovable stupidity. Doug wants to understand the world more, but he has a hard time. He’s made a home at the rink and in the locker room and he’s also given LaFlamme and the team new life. But while he still doesn’t get a lot of the things his teammates say to him, he loves them (and the game) anyway.