Why You’d Never Want To Date Jerry On ‘Seinfeld’

Even if you’ve only seen two episodes of Seinfeld, chances are Jerry was dating a different girl in each episode. And if you’ve watched the show in reruns on a near continuous loop since the ’90s, then you know that he’s snagged more women than anybody in the history of moving pictures. Seriously, Jerry Seinfeld’s ability to garner attraction from the opposite sex makes James Bond look like a junior high dweeb.

Just how does Jerry manage to get all of these ladies? Sure, he’s a moderately successful comedian with his own apartment in New York City, but a sense of humor and one-bedroom pad will only take you so far. While Jerry may have landed a lot of gal pals, he couldn’t be bothered to actually hang on to any of them because he’s a terrible person and an equally terrible boyfriend. Granted, a lot of Jerry’s exes had their own flaws and were understandably dumped, but many women who dated Jerry were way too good for him to begin with. We’ve already ranked Jerry’s girlfriends on the show, so now let’s investigate just what made Jerry such a terrible catch and why most of those women should consider themselves lucky they got out after one episode.

He’s clean, but can’t be bothered to clean himself.

Listen, if you’re going to be so anal retentive about cleanliness that you’ll throw a shoelace in the trash because it grazed the floor of the men’s room, then you should probably be able to clean yourself. Otherwise, you just come off as lazy — and that’s exactly the case with Jerry, as he hired a maid to clean his apartment. His ONE-bedroom apartment. The guy only works at night, meaning he’s home all day, yet he can’t be bothered to pick up a broom for 20 minutes? Never mind that Jerry hired a lazy maid who he begins sleeping with and that the relationship later devolves into something resembling solicitation — the guy is both annoying and lazy about his apartment’s appearance.

He’s totally cool with breaking up a marriage.

In the season 7 episode, “The Wait Out,” Jerry proves just what kind of character he has by going after a married woman. Granted, she’s separated but under the judgmental eyes of the law and a higher power she’s still married. Why should Jerry care about a little thing like marriage vows, though? It’s technically George and his big mouth who splits up the couple (Debra Messing and Cary Elwes), but that’s good enough for Jerry and Elaine to move in like two vultures picking at the scraps of a relationship on the rocks.

He’s insecure.

Saying that Jerry’s a little insecure is like saying that Kramer’s only a little bit odd. The guy is without a doubt the most insecure character on the show and this is probably why he can’t hold a relationship together for more than 22 minutes. For example, let’s look at Jerry’s short romance with Lanette, played by the beautiful Amanda Peet. Lanette happens to have a male roommate — yes they walk around in towels together, which is a little odd, but hey, friendship is magic — and that’s way too much for poor Jerry to handle. Newsflash, Jerry: New York City is expensive and it’s actually pretty common for men and women not in a relationship to shack up together to save a little on the rent. That example is only the tip of the insecure iceberg that is Jerry’s psyche, though.

It’s also revealed in “The Sponge” that Jerry marks out the 32 waistline on his jeans and changes it to 31. If that’s not a telltale sign of insecurity, I don’t know what is. The most telling example that Jerry is incredibly insecure and probably on the verge of a mental breakdown is when he passes up the chance to have a threesome with two women because he can’t adapt to the lifestyle of being an “orgy guy.” Way to be a disappointment to men everywhere, Jerry.

He’s the poster boy for superficiality.

Jerry’s most glaring flaw in the relationship department is likely his superficial nature, which is the number one culprit when it comes to why so many of his relationships grandly flame out almost immediately after they start. Take for instance, Tawni. By assuming the anti-fungal cream in her medicine cabinet was hers, Jerry doomed something that could have been special (because, of course, every relationship has the chance to be special, even when they begin based purely on proximity and physical appearance). With a little patience, he probably would have come to naturally learn that it was her cat’s, but the guy just couldn’t wait and had to snoop. Also, we learned that Jerry basically has a foot fetish thanks to this episode.

Jerry’s relationship with Jenna (Kristen Davis) was already heading down the drain when he caught her using his toothbrush, but it was George that truly did the couple in. After George’s jackhammering causes a septic explosion and Jenna is coated in sewage, Jerry’s pretty much out the door before the women can even grab a towel. Sure, she could have just showered and gotten a tetanus shot at the doctor, but that thought never even scanned across germaphobe Jerry’s brain. There are countless other women that Jerry mucks things up with because of his outlook, like Sidra (Teri Hatcher) and her possibly fake breasts, the same dress-wearing Christie, single pea-eating Melanie, and man hands Jillian. The list goes on and on.

Granted, nit picking at potential matches may be the lifeblood of the show about nothing, but it does little to make Jerry seem dateable.

He drugged a woman so he could play with her toy collection.

Celia had a toy collection that would drive any man-child like Jerry crazy with excitement, but when she shut down his attempts to play with those toys, Jerry put her to sleep with a full Thanksgiving spread (including a ton of wine) so he could play with her Rock’em Sock’em Robots.

He isn’t very thoughtful.

Nobody remembers every little detail about somebody when they’re new to the relationship, but knowing someone’s name is pretty key. Poor Delores, who not only was teased as a child because her name rhymed with a part of the female anatomy, but the insults continued on as an adult by the man who’s supposed to care about her, yet thinks her name is “Gipple” or “Mulva.”

He’s just plain mean.

Jerry might not be the type to go around kicking puppies and telling random children that there’s no Santa Claus, but the guy can have a mean sense of humor. Case in point: he and the rest of his equally terrible friends take joy in making fun of his girlfriend Claire’s voice. When confronted by Claire, Jerry even chooses to continue doing the voice rather than continue their relationship, causing Claire to rightfully drops him on the spot.

His bedroom skills are apparently lacking.

Jerry might be able to deliver the laughs, but no amount of “did you ever notice?” jokes are going to bring a woman to the heights of pleasure. When Elaine reveals to Jerry that she was faking her orgasms throughout the course of their relationship, Jerry’s thin layer of confidence as a lover starts to crack and he begs her for one last shot which he botches in the most flaccid of ways.

Jerry’s attempt at spicing up a romantic encounter with some playful sex talk falls limp when he lays out the “You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?” line on Elaine’s secretary, Sandra.

Marla the virgin should consider herself lucky that she dodged a bullet by not sleeping with Jerry and opting for JFK Jr. instead. Allowing Jerry to deflower her would have surely turned her off from sex for life and resulted in years of therapy, though after thinking back on Jerry’s love life, maybe she could have gotten a group rate.


I mean, c’mon.