When adult film star Stormy Daniels came clean about her affair with then-reality star Donald Trump, people braced themselves for the inevitable lurid, detailed description that would eventually surface of the president’s penis.
Ladies and gentlemen, that day is today.
The Guardian obtained a copy of Daniels’ upcoming tell-all book, Full Disclosure, and leaked a few of the more salacious details including claims that Trump didn’t even want to be president in the first place (which, duh), and that he allegedly told her he would help her cheat at Celebrity Apprentice.
One excerpt in particular describes that fateful night in which Daniels says she and Trump engaged in “textbook generic” sex in his Lake Tahoe hotel room, during the American Century celebrity golf tournament.
Get your barf bags ready!
Trump’s bodyguard invites Daniels to dinner, which turns out to be an invitation to Trump’s penthouse, she writes, in a description of alleged events that Daniels has disclosed previously but which in the book are rendered with new and lurid detail. She describes Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.”
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool … I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart. It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
Of course Trump (allegedly) doesn’t manscape, but that’s beside the point. When the story dropped, Twitter pretty much gagged in unison as both “Mario Kart” and “Toad” quickly began trending.
And others joked about how Trump’s cronies would try to spin the story:
Full Disclosure is being released on October 2, if this morning’s punishment wasn’t adequate enough.