Science Has Finally Determined The Average Penis Size

It’s not exactly a big secret that men across the world are insecure about their penises. Really, spend five minutes on the internet, and you’ll come across somebody who’s obviously compensating for a perceived lack in the shorts department. Apparently, some British researchers are so sick of it, they finally busted out the data and are settling the issue once and for all.

The team collected together every credible study they could find about penises, which we’re sure got them a few looks down at the medical library. And they got a rather impressive pile of wangs, with over 15,000 data points. And no, they did not include any self-reporting; a doctor had to measure it, using a reasonable technique.

So, what are the averages? When just hanging around, the average penis is 3.6 inches in length and 3.7 inches around, and when ready to party, 5.2 inches in length and 4.6 inches in girth, although they had less data on that because, well, nobody wants to touch a boner in a clinical setting. In other words, “it’s a grower, not a shower” is scientifically valid.

If you were wondering, there was no correlation between penis size and race, or penis size and foot size. Also, you are extremely unlikely to have a smaller-than-average penis; just 2.28 percent of those in the study fell outside the average range on the small end, with a similar percentage on the Dirk Diggler end of the scale. We know, videos on the internet have lied to you. We’re struggling with this shocking revelation ourselves.

Yes, this is fun to giggle over, but there is a genuine reason behind it: Being convinced your penis is inferior can lead to a whole host of psychiatric problems. The team hopes that having a definitive average on record will help doctors convince the guys coming in to ask about terrifying cosmetic surgeries that they don’t need to mutilate their bits, they just need to accept themselves.

And also stop buying those Magnums because, come on. You’re not fooling anybody.

And if you haven’t seen this…

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