When you take away the cubicles, matching polos, and overly persistent customers who don’t understand what closing hours are, all workplaces are pretty much the same. You’ve got a bunch of people coming together to provide some kind of service. But there isn’t a workplace in the world that couldn’t benefit from adding a little unpredictability into the mix to keep things interesting.
As far as the Archer crew is concerned… well, they’re pretty much all unpredictable. But Pam Poovey, the head of human resources, knows no equal. And while there’s no way you work with someone as fun and dangerous as Pam, here are a few reminders why you wish she worked in your office.
“Soooo… is that why you’re being such a b*tch?”
Office politics can make your career if you play it smart. Which means you’ll likely spend a lot of time smiling and nodding as you put up with a lot of crap. But every office needs one person who’s not afraid to tell it like it is. So what if you missed your bus and had to walk two miles in the rain the day after your dog died? You can’t ruin everybody else’s day, too. Pam is the kind of coworker to remind you to get your sh*t together
“Oh, please. You’re so hot for him I could reheat this chili in your cooch.”
If it seems like characters on all of our favorite workplace-based shows always end up hooking up, that’s because everyone loves some good office romance. But the two people who everyone’s spreading rumors about may not even know that all of their co-workers are secretly pairing them off in hopes of making sparks fly. Pam doesn’t waste any time with the underhanded tactics, though. She gets straight to the point.
“Wasted. Exactly. Let’s go be that. C’mon, happy hour at Pita Margarita’s, chikka chikka chow.”
Happy hours are when coworkers get to let loose and have a good time (just not so much that they lose their job and dignity along the way). But there always needs to be a couple people there to really get things started. One reason is because they help everyone else relax and get out of that workday mindset. Another reason is they give everyone else someone to point at and go, “Well, at least I’m not as bad as her.” Pam = “her.”
“Don’t talk like black people. And how should I know? I’m still ripped.”
Yes, Pam is pretty much a functioning alcoholic/drug addict with emphasis on “functioning.” She’s still more than capable of putting her coworkers in check from time to time while working off a hangover from the night before. Even though Cyril wasn’t actually trying to get his thizzle on, it’s good that Pam corrected him just in case. Even if it was after a night full of drunken passion.
“How hot am I now? Let me answer that for you. As balls.”
Confidence is contagious. Watching someone close to you go through an overnight transformation like Pam’s can be inspiring. It makes you believe that anything’s possible and you could do the same. But, to be clear, we don’t recommend you go eating a bunch of cocaine in order to do so. That’s both illegal and unhealthy.
“Hey! Is it too much to ask during the goddamn workday for two separate sessions of 80 uninterrupted minutes each of quality dump time?”
Allotted bathroom time should be included in all job contracts moving forward. Sure, you may not always need it, but you can spend that time goofing off on Facebook. Otherwise, after a surprise case of IBS following years of holding it in for far too long, you may need to suddenly spend three hours in the office bathroom one afternoon. Pam is the HR specialist of the future who’s thinking about these things now.
“No! The solution to every problem isn’t throwing frickin’ acid on it!”
A key part of human resources is conflict resolution. Pam is experienced enough at her job with all the craziness she sees – and sometimes causes – on a daily basis that she’s become a bit of an expert. But she doesn’t need to be an expert to understand that you don’t have to make problems literally dissolve in frickin’ acid to make them go away.
“I know you better sit your ass down before I jam an Easy Spirit up it.”
Sometimes enforcers are just there to keep people in line and sometimes they’re there to handle things when they actually do step out. Either way, with her history as a bare-knuckles fighter with the kinds of people you wouldn’t even want to owe 14 cents to, Pam’s definitely the lady for the job. Take her threats at face value. The good news for her is that she can’t fire herself for knocking someone out for not putting paper back in the copier.