WE GOT HIM! Chris Pagano, the man rumored to be the infamous Philadelphia Swiss Cheese Pervert, was brought to justice early this morning. From PhillyMag:
Philadelphia Police were unable to confirm the arrest, but the Norristown Police Department says that Pagano was picked up this morning in a joint action by the Norristown and Philadelphia police departments and that Pagano is now in the custody of the Philadelphia Police Department.
For those of you who don’t remember the details of the case (which is impossible, but I just feel like writing them all out again), Pagano is alleged to have approached women in his car with his genitals exposed, and then offered to pay them “to put the cheese on his penis and perform sexual acts on him using it.” Also, he sent a woman named Gabby Chest this message on OK Cupid, which isn’t technically a crime, but…
I found that women tend to like dairy products, and settled on cheese to represent the girl. thus I started having sex with cheese. I like to use Swiss cheese and would wrap slices of the cheese around penis, then masturbate. Now tho, after finding several girls to do it for me, I prefer having girls do it for me, instead of myself.
Anyway, as a lifelong resident of Eastern Pennsylvania, I can’t possibly explain how relieved I am. I feel so much safer with this muenster off the streets.
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Nailed it.
Through the eye of our camera. Cops bringing in the alleged swiss cheese Pervert. @FOX29philly pic.twitter.com/qcIBdyDVw6
— Kyle Carmean (@KyleFox29) January 16, 2014