Five Painfully Annoying Current Countercultures

I believe it was the fastidious poet, Dee Snider ,who once sang aloud the words, “Oh, we’re not gonna’ take it any mooooooore“. With so many of our culture’s current-day ideologies running amok, it feels more necessary than ever to question The Man every chance we can get. To stand up, put our feet down (or nubs, whatever it is you’re working with) and raise awareness against the causes that we see fit. It’s something that societies have been doing for ages, staging rallies, marches, upheavals and blood-orgies, coincidentally often inspiring a counterculture to be formed; a group of like-minded individuals whose attitudes oppose that of the social norm. Whoa, bro that was f–king deep, man. Here hit this…

Of course, because this is humanity, no great idea can ever remain pristine, hell it’s practically in our DNA (you know, that sh-t from Jurassic Park) to mess things up. As countercultures form, they can’t help but to eventually pick up unbridled momentum. From their initial beliefs, on through and past the first public meetings, followers will emerge from all walks of life to support. Inevitably, such velocity can’t help but draw awareness, even from the one demographic that everyone hates: THE DUMBASSES. If ever there were a symbol to represent the demise of a decent cause, it would be some d–khead supporter contributing to it in the most flamboyant way possible. To counter the culture is one thing, but to inadvertently stand as a naive douche bag just warrants you an ass kicking. Shooting yourself in the groin with a crossbow would save you both time and effort.

Five Painfully Annoying Current Countercultures:

Extreme Sports Enthusiasts:
Apparently, at some point a memo was sent out declaring traditional sports as “homo”. Not really sure when exactly this was, but it must have been a Tuesday, because I always sleep in on Tuesdays. Regardless, the gauntlet was dropped and soon individuals began setting out in search of the most extreme pastimes they could find. From skydiving to motocross, wakeboarding to bungee jumping, the more exotic a “sport” had become, so did the personalities to represent them. Leading us to this present day infection of Bam Margera wannabes; the very “dudes” who set out to stand apart, have now sold their souls to the advertising devils and inspired countless hoards of impressionable followers.

(Have you ever actually drank Amp and then rode a bicycle? It makes you crap bile.)

I mean, what the hell happened? Suddenly the more “badass” something has become, the more kids from private schools I see representin’ via a sticker on their back windshield. Where a majority formed together to raise awareness against the “jocks”, in much the same fashion they have become the very Mountain Dew chuggers they so heavily despised.

Take note, impressionable minds, because this is as EXTREME as it gets.

Marijuana Supporters:
Let me make one thing clear here: I’m all for falling asleep at 8:23pm with the VCR running and my pants still on, but that doesn’t mean I support some 29-year-old Cottonmouth Kings fan petitioning on my behalf. As easy as the dreadlocked, white stoner stereotype is to hate, it’s actually a pretty god–mn accurate representation of some of these supporters. And with the topic of marijuana legalization on the news everyday now, it doesn’t help the ” good fight” when these skull-blazed jackasses get flagged down by the local Channel 4. There’s only one thing I hate more than political stoner talk and that’s Nazis.

Great sign man, but you still owe me $13.72 for the tacos last Thursday.

I like Bob Marley just as much as the next anglo, but I’m sure-as-hell that he didn’t intend for his albums to run on repeat while you color some sh–ty felt poster underneath a blacklight. If we really wanted pot to be taken seriously, we’d break the encouraged cliche’ and finally learn how to parallel park.

(It really doesn’t matter what you say, this guy’s bong toke at the :13-second mark is completely justified.)

Human Rights Activists:
Oh shut it, I’m not a hate monger or a homophobe. I could care less who marries who, because guess what: you being gay doesn’t make me gay. Nevertheless, I feel like an idiot supporting your cause when I’m expected to remain silent while some tiny Asian man, covered in sprinkles, sings Katie Perry at a demonstration.  Dude, you’re not helping anything. There are plenty of homosexuals out there who are passionate about their beliefs, but even they scoff at this guy’s c-ck pouch. I mean come on, look at this sh-t:

Sh-h-h-h-h-h, I'm being subtle.

It’s not that I’m bashing gay people, it’s that regardless of your sexual preference, I’m just against weirdos in general. And no, it’s not the fact you’re gay that qualified you as a “weirdo” in my book. It’s the bedazzled headdress and thong that makes you look like an extra from Total Recall.

Environmentalists/P.E.T.A. Activists:
We’ve f—ked up the planet and killed a lot of animals, this much is clear. But whether or not some USC undergrad chains themselves to a tree, while doused in fake blood, is irrelevant. As bright as you’ve painted your signs with eco-friendly paste, you haven’t done anything to actually help anyone today. You’ve only increased the ratio for violent offenses towards people who make sh–ty signs.

Alright, good for you! You are literally f--king that tree.

Educators shouldn’t rely on shock value to encourage support, but rather use coherent means of communication, at least that’s some sh-t my girlfriend once said. I’ll admit that P.E.T.A.’s “I’d rather go naked.” campaigns are eye catching, but how genius do you really have to be to anticipate that people (well males basically) will read anything with a naked chick on it. Good for you, now I have a boner, but am still wearing these leather boots. Not to mention that every irrelevant celebrity now uses these ads as means to put their name in the headlines.

Get the concept? Well see, if you eat mea- actually never mind, I have no idea.

I’m not supporting the killing of animals, but I’m also not going to pretend that a human life compares to a cow or tree. I’ve made that comparison before and the fat, bushy-haired f–k I was talking about got pissed as sh-t.

Goth Kids and Emos:

At emo-goth prom, every song is the last song.

Alright, at face value this is arguably the easiest counterculture to hate on, but bare with me as I attempt to shine further dislike. Oh relax, I keeed, I keeed. Anytime someone is going to talk about music, there will always be support and opposition. It’s one of those rare topics that everyone is going to have an opinion on. But I’m not here to poke fun at the musical values of Emos or Goths, rather just the irony of their entire rebellion.

Born in an attempt to vocalize the frustrations of its followers, 1960s hippies created some pretty rad music. From that novel idea evolved punk rock and countless other ventures, yet now we have to deal with the embarrassing bastard children of the watered down stereotype. Thing is, in the attempt to dress differently from the rest of society, this movement somehow encouraged the mimicking of one another’s non-acceptance. Not conforming shouldn’t mean that you wear the same tight pants as 39 other dudes. It hurts my nads just watching.

Simply put, there are better ways to go about making a statement than strictly relying on shock value. Where the frustrations of opposition can be overwhelming, I still can’t help but to salute the American flag. For we live in a beautiful and great country that allows us all to act like such a–holes. Thanks to ol’ Lady Liberty, I get to safely blog from the confides of my bunk bed and you get to passionately tell me what an idiot I am in comments section.

Around The Web