If you have recently taken a whizz and thought to yourself,”Man, I wish there was a better way to do this.” then take heart because there are people out there who are working hard to improve your number 1 experience. We thought that the pinnacle of peeing technology had been reached with the flush toilet, or even a bush if it came down to it, but apparently we were wrong.
The Internet is full of enterprising people who are constantly thinking about your wiener, or if you are a girl, your girl wiener, and how they can bring it into the future. Below are 5 new technologies that you may be using soon.
1, The Uroclub. This is the perfect invention for all you golfers who would rather pee in public in full view of people rather than do it discreetly in the woods. While this sounds like something you wouldn’t want to do, hold on, there is some serious technology behind this that might change your mind.
First, the inventor has created fake golf club that has been hollowed out for you to insert your wiener when nature calls. The club has a capacity of over half a liter, which is some communist unit of measurement used in Canada. The maker claims that is more than twice what people usually manage to squeeze out at one time.
However, sticking your unit into a golf club can be pretty embarrassing, at least in public, so the inventors had the genius to add a towel to wrap around the club while you do your business. The result? Nothing short of perfection.
As for the pee? Well you just carry that around with you all day until you get a chance to discreetly go into the woods and pour it out.
2. Go Girl
This device was invented for all those women who really hate the thought of having to ‘cop a squat’ somewhere to do their business while the guys in their party just whip it out. To eliminate this huge disadvantage women have when it comes to ‘go time’ the inventors have created this giant rubber cup that allows women to go without requiring them to get closer to the nasty ground.
The makers claim the the Go Girl is a feminine urinary device, which is also called a ‘FUD’ by absolutely no one else outside the company. Supposedly the woman inserts the cup against her privates and let loose. When she is done she then has to carefully remove a soft rubber cup full of pee from between her legs and finish her business with the included tissue.
The makers swear you can totally not splash yourself with your cup of pee with only a couple practice runs. The GoGirl website says it can be thrown away after one use, or re-used because it is dishwasher safe. This is good news for those of us who like the idea of washing our toilets in our dishwasher. It’s also made of medical grade silicon, because anything less to hold your pee would have made the product completely silly.
Of course if you are a woman, but want to feel the joy of being able to write your name in the snow, there is also this product which will let you do just that. Although you can’t wash this one in your dishwasher.
You will notice the clever spelling of this device, meant to highlight the fact that this video game is meant to be played in public bathrooms, because as we all know, people like to spend as much time as possible around strangers peeing. The advancement in peeing technology is a racing game built into a urinal where the speed of the car is controlled by the flow of processed beer or soda.
The car is controlled by the user hitting the two sides of a seesaw to change gears and keep the car moving on the attached monitor. We think this is perfect for those guys who hate the thought of not being entertained for the minute or so they spend relieving themselves. Why waste time when you can go for the high score?
Unfortunately we don’t holdout much hope for this game appearing anytime soon. Between the game itself, the monitor, speakers and seesaw controllers we’re pretty sure that your local watering hole won’t be spending money on this. If they had that kind of money they wold probably spend it on someone cleaning the bathrooms more than once a week.
4. Stadium Pal
Of course there are times when you don’t even want to waste time going someplace just to pee. When the big game is on the line, a full bladder is just a weakness like Kryptonite, or lactose intolerance. For those situations this company has created the Stadium Pal which let’s you take care of business right in your pants.
As evidenced by the testimonial letters on the website there are literally a dozen guys out there who appreciate nothing more than the ability to pee right in front of everyone while giggling quietly to themselves. The device works by sliding your unit into a catheter, which sounds like a condom that stays on through the use of adhesives. As you pee it goes down a tube into a bag attached to your leg.
As a bonus you size your catheter by comparing your junk to some paper cutouts they send you. This will ensure you get the right size and may also be able to settle any arguments you may have among your group of friends as to who is truly “gifted”.
After you go you can just sit back with your warm bag of waste against your leg, relax and smile knowing that you didn’t have to miss anything, unlike those losers who had to use the bathroom.
5. Pop Potties
British Columbia is a kingdom or Province or something up in Canada known for its wilderness and natural beauty. There are something like a million trees for every person. So by our math that means there are about 500 people that live there.
As much as the folks up there love their trees and igloos, the people of the city Victoria really love their trees. Seriously, they have like some weird stalker/fetish for nature, so much so that the city is looking at installing bathrooms that will pop up at night from the ground. They hope that these urinals will stop roving bands of drunken people from peeing in the bushes.
The pop up bathrooms cost about $60 grand a piece and are only meant to be used for peeing and not for number two. We aren’t too sure whether this restriction will actually be followed because late night drunks are not exactly known for following the rules.
There’s also the question of what happens when one of these degenerates falls asleep while resting against the bathroom when it descends back into the ground. We think that some pee on your bushes might be a fair trade for no mangled bodies, but what do we know?