The winners of the 2010 Teen Choice Awards will be announced tonight at 8 p.m. on Fox, and while we certainly don’t want to ruin the most prestigious night in the entertainment industry for all of you – and I assume it’s all of you – who will be watching. However, my good friend and FilmDrunk favorite, Channing Tatum, has won the Teen Choice Award for Choice Movie Actor: Action Adventure for his harrowing performance as Duke Hauser in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. And, of course, he’s so excited and elated that he asked if he could share his acceptance speech with us in advance.
Yo girl, yo teen girl, and yo parents of teen girl who allowed yo girl to vote for C-Tates, it is wit great humidity that I accept this honor as yo choice actor for G.I. Jeezy-Joe. And yo girl, I gots to say… YA BOI C-TATES FOR REALZ, SON WHAT! Yo, I knows I was super dope fly like Goldblum in da G.I. Joe, heard? I’m all like, Yo Cobra suck deez nutz, right? And Joey Lauren Adams is all like, Yo I’m Cobra Commander, what bitch? And Marlon Wayans is like, Yo C-Tates, light this cracka up! And I’m like, Yeah beeyotch, you gots to answer to the C-Tates, son.
But yo, it ain’t over. We gots the sequel comin for real, and C-Tates gon be back like a heart attack. Yo girl, dis is da start of somefin realz, nawmsayin? It’s like, first C-Tates wins da Teen Choice Award. Then I be all like, I’d like to thank the Academy and sh*t. Then I’mma be like, Yo Source Awards, this is a honor, true dat. Then I be all, Yo girl, thanks for dis Nobel Prize for Workin’ Dat Ass, ya feel me, playboy?
I’m so honorable to be ‘ceptin this award wif such incredible actors and actresses also gettin’ they swerve on. Yo girl, Ashton Kutcher be all winnin’ for dat comedy Valentine’s Day. And yo, C-Tates be doin’ some comedy work, son, so maybe I be back here next year layin’ my flava down on dat award, too. But I ain’t be bangin’ no fitty year old chick, even though dem tittays be slammin’, dogg. A-Kutch knock the dust off that crack, holla.
And I ain’t be all about the C-Tates. Nah girl, when you wins an award, you gots to come correct and reprazent a role model, dig? So I’m tellin’ all you kids out there wanna be like the C-Tates, you stay in school and don’t do drugs, right? Yo girl, you gots to get dat education, son. You gots to learn how to speak all proper and sh*t like you an ambassador or a foreign laundromat. And don’t be usin’ yo fists to fight people. You win yo battles using yo feets like a real man. You gots a problem need solvin’ you remember this advice: First you pop it, then you lock it, and yo girl only then can you achieves it.
C-Tate also wanna thank God for giving all you girls dat slammin’ ass, much respek to yo mama and yo daddy. PEACE!