I didn’t get any free stuff to give away this week, but rarely has there been a week when I’ve been so proud to pilot this virtual sex boat of diseased psyches. So as a reward for your collective hilarity and offensiveness, I’m buying the winner Gran Torino on DVD. Before we get started, the requisite explanation for the newbs:
As always, the way this works is, at any time this week, when you read a comment you think worthy of recognition, YOU nominate it by copy and pasting it in the comments section below. I pick the winner from among the nominees the following Sunday/Monday. (To help you find it more easily, the nomination thread is always linked in the ABOUT section).
Starting things off, Chino Moreno in CHIRANJEEVI THE INDIAN BASKETBALL STAR:
ChinoMoreno says: And Chiranjeevi wins the game: 7-11
Gosh, how did I know that thread would descend into Indian jokes?
SmokeEmIfYouGotEm says: Right before this game, the crowd was feverishly busy making sneakers for the players.
Then there were ADDITIONAL FACTS ABOUT RYAN GOSLING’S GREEN LANTERN:
Donkey Hodey says: Ryan Gosling’s Green Lantern only fights crime after asking it nicely to stop three times.
Michelle07 says: Ryan Gosling’s Green Lantern wears a mask on his face and a heart on his sleeve.
From THE COVE TRAILER (about dolphins):
Donkey Hodey says: Dolphins kill for fun and sexually abuse lesser species. They’re like the redneck of the sea.
Looks like someone besides me watched “Dolphins: The Dark Side” on the National Geographic channel. Dolphins: Rednecks of the Sea would’ve been a way better title. From TRAILER FOR THE REMAKE OF FAME:
Arbuckle says: (Banner pic) Someone just tried to hand that kid a real job.
This next one does make that much sense, but I guess it doesn’t have to. From WHITEOUT TRAILER:
Conversely, this one makes perfect sense. From OLIVIA MUNN IN IRON MAN 2:
Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: That’s God’s gif to men.
Stone Soup says: If a boner fairy existed, I’d have a quarter under my pillow every morning.
Then there was the TRAILER FOR THE STEPFATHER thread, which I never expected to generate 142 comments.
Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: This movie drinks from the orange juice carton in his underwear and asks me “What the f*ck you looking at, d*cksuck?”
Burnsy says: This movie stares too long at my sister.
Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: This movie promised to take me to the monster truck rally, but passed out on grain alcohol instead.
Burnsy says: This movie comes out of the bedroom and makes me smell its finger.
Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: I’ll never call this movie by its first name, ever. Even if there’s a fire.
Donkey Hodey: I learned how to do drugs by watching this movie, OK?!
Burnsy says: This movie stands over me while I’m sleeping, whispering, “You think you’re hot sh*t?”
ChinoMoreno: This movie tells me that I give better blowjobs than my mom. [Wow, score one for the Drunkettes -Ed.]
Crapbasket says: This movie pissed into my sax because horn playin’s for cock lickers.
Donkey Hodey says: This is the best movie my mom’s going to get at her age and I need to just learn to accept that.
JHC says: This may be the first time in my entire life that I wish I was in Wichita.
SmokeEmIfYouGotEm says: Michael Bay always loses in Battleship because he just keeps repeating “C4! C4! C4!”
And now for the top three. From POSTER FOR COLD SOULS, this comment really has no right to be as funny as it is.
Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: Hot town, summer in the city. Paul Giamatti got some nice man-titties.
I’m a sucker for a musical comment, especially if you get the number of syllables right. And first runner-up, from ABRAMS & CRUISE SIGN UP FOR MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4:
Donkey Hodey says: In this one, Ethan Hunt trains his long lost son, Mike, in the ways of espionage and subtle f*ck-puns.
That’s just all-around solid commenting right there. And finally, this week’s winner, from MICHAEL BAY QUITS TRANSFORMERS…
Michael Bay’s wife: “What’s wrong, Mikey?”
Bay: “All the critics are picking on me.”
Michael Bay’s wife: “Well why don’t we go in the bedroom and forget all about it?”
Bay: *makes small explosion sound*
It was tough to choose the best from the top three, but in the end I had to give it to the guy whose joke I stole. If it’s good enough to steal, it’s good enough to win. Great job last week, everyone. If copying and pasting was hard work, I’d be covered in sweat and calluses right now.