Recap: ‘America’s Next Top Model’ – ‘Dance With Me’

10.08.09 8 years ago

The CW

Is it me or is the sky a little sunnier, the air a little sweeter, now that Bianca has left the Top Model house? I shall enjoy it while I can, here, while I recap the fifth episode of Cycle 13 of ANTM, because of course it’s only a matter of time before the producers pick a new meanie. 


But I ain’t mad at it.

[Full recap of Wednesday (Oct. 7) night’s “America’s Next Top Model” after the break…]

Ashley was the other girl in the bottom two last week. She needs to step up her game. Nicole, meanwhile, talks like she’s stoned, which turns off Nigel. She needs to step up her … diction, I guess. Others don’t like Nicole either, because she doesn’t fit in. That’s exactly why I like her. Be yourself, girl! Don’t squee! Power to the geeks!

The first TyraMail of the day also brings us our first copyrighted reference to “smize.” Which is a stretch, because this next challenge is not about eyes, but rather the body. This is the Benny Ninja episode, where the vogue master teaches the models to pose. Li’l Mama also arrives to help with the dance instructions, as do the JabbawockeeZ dance troupe. The goal for the girls: Create dances that express certain emotions, blah, blah, blah, they only get an hour. I am totally sure that when Gisele was a bebeh model, her agency SO made her do this. UPHILL in the SNOW. 

The model dance team that wins also gets $17,000 worth of jewelry. 

Poor Ashley, who, as we’ve been told 40 times, has a background in dance, is paired with the totally uncoordinated Nicole and Erin.

Rae, Kara and Jennifer’s team does a lovely interpretive dance worthy of Twyla Tharp. Sundai’s team doesn’t connect with the judges. Team Nicole gets daring and stares down Benny Ninja, but it backfires; Ninja just might be mad at it. Of course Rae’s team wins. They get the jewelry. Squee!

Ashley declares today “Kill Ashley’s Spirit Day.” She calls her mom, but, surprisingly, does not cry. Excuse me, am I watching a reality show, or not?

The fashion shoot this week takes the girls out of their circus house and into the freak show that is Las Vegas. They are taken to a show by Cirque de Soleil. The shoot will be inspired by this sort of Gallic whimsy, apparently. Much squeeeing ensues. 

The models will be posing in groups of three, which makes for all kinds of cattiness. If the producers want to replace Bianca with a new villain, group shots are great ways to establish bitchiness.

Jennifer, Rae and Brittany are in the first group. Jennifer is the weak person in the group; Brittany and Rae get mad praise; Jennifer earns the title of “crazy” from Mr. Jay. 

“Jennifer fell flat,” Mr. Jay hisses.

Sundai, Erin and Nicole are the next group. Erin gets the praise, as does Sundai. Poor Nicole. All that face. No love. And she still has that problem with the Gollum hands.

Ashley, Laura and Kara make up the final trio. Day-um. In front of the camera, Laura morphs from cowhand to Rachel Hunter. Ashley is the weak one in this group, though Kara also fades into the background. How anyone can fade into anything with a face like that just baffles. 

Yes, I do believe I’m mad at it.

The girls return to Los Angeles for panel. Because if Las Vegas had turned out to be their exotic destination for the season, the recession truly would have won. And hello! It’s Josie Maran, tiny supermodel and guest judge! I was hoping they’d have her on. Nice girl, that.

Rae, Jennifer and Brittany are up first. Brittany is compared to the Bride of Frankenstein by Miss J. Rae, as we must be told at least once a week, is smizing. Jennifer is — ouch — blamed for bringing down all three girls!

Laura, Ashley and Kara are judged next. Laura gets a favorable comparison to Gisele. “You look like you’re happy, you’re climaxing,” Josie giggles. (“She’s taken some fierce juice,” Tyra later surmises during panel.) Ashley looks powerless and sleepy next to her; Kara looks stiff and nervous, but it’s Ashley who is the downer overall.

Erin, Nicole and Sundai are the final three. Erin gets a sorta-good review, spurring Tyra to name her as a “silent threat.” Nicole is criticized for losing all her magic. Sundai looks meh, but overall, her film roll was the strongest. 

The callout — first in threes, then individually — goes thus: Brittany, Rae and Jennifer; Laura, Nicole, Sundai, Erin.

Kara and Ashley are in the bottom two. Kara gets slammed for not doing anything or being anybody. Ashley gets slammed for being a dancer and yet so sucky and completely untalented. Kara gets to stay, after a little lecture. Ashley is booted, serenaded by a dude singing on autotune.

Next week we get the go-see challenge, and the inevitable shoot where the girls get put up on wires. Until then, we’re all left hanging.

Did the right girl go home? Do you still miss Evil Bianca?

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