Recap: ‘America’s Next Top Model’ – ‘Dreckitude!’

03.17.10 8 years ago 3 Comments

The CW

Cycle 14 of “ANTM” seems to be moving quite fast. Looks like the show producers want the girls to get naked on the second date. Here comes the obligatory nude photo shoot, girls!
[Nudity and more from Wednesday’s (March 17) “America’s Next Top Model” after the break…]
“This is really officially our very first photo shoot,” Mr. Jay insists. As opposed to, you know, all those other photo shoots these girls have had to do so far, including their go-go leotard 80s-wear post-makeover extravaganza from last week. Anyway, the girls don”t have to be totally naked. They each get to peel off exactly one thing from a loaded mannequin. Gabrielle nails the leggings. Ren gets a hat. You get the idea.
The shoot begins! Angelea is naked except for her shoes and her incredibly miserable aura. “Her personality is just horrid,” Brenda says. Well, sure, but her shoes are OK.
Gabrielle has no inspiration when she walks onto the set wearing her sparkly leggings. With leggings like that, I can think of like eighteen inspirations. Johnny Weir, for example. Too bad I can”t be there for you, Gabrielle. Mr. Jay is harsh; he thinks she can”t model from, as Tyra would say it, “H to T” (TM).
Brenda, who has a distinct McKay vibe, sells the watch she”s wearing; Mr. Jay is impressed. Not so much Alasia, who earned praise like “disappointing” and “lost” from Mr. Jay. Krista, the other toweringly sparkly personality of this cycle, also fails to impress.
Oh wow, it”s elimination time. Already? Twelve minutes into the program? Geez, daylight savings time screws up the whole world, doesn”t it? Anyway, here comes a panel. Tyra introduces new judge Andre Leon Talley of Vogue. “It”s almost like you”re a woodland fantasy nymph,” Talley says of Ren. Judges also like Angelea, unfortunately.
Alexandra modeled a necklace. No one is particularly moved. Raina models, as Talley puts it, like a courtesan; Raina does not know what that means. Anslee gets dressed down for not “working it,” despite her “telescoping view into the nether regions,” Talley says.
Simone, she of the newly shaved hair, is a little stiff in her jacket, but her lovely skin saves her with the judges. Gabrielle spurs total silence from the judges. They are not happy because they cannot see her neck.
Jessica brings high fashion to such a degree that Tyra is already declaring her as having a “gift.” Krista, in contrast, bombs. Nadua — wow. She has confidence, but she fails to really sell sunglasses. We are shocked and disappointed in you, you shave-headed goddess!
Meantime, Brenda can practically do no wrong. She, like Gabrielle, loses her neck, but the judges mostly like the shot. Tatiana offers a very strong pose, but Tyra reveals that she needs to have more variety in her poses.
And here comes Alasia. And her photo is as much of a delicious disaster as we”d hoped it would be, given she”s almost as mean as Krista and Angelea combined. Her only defender: Talley. But will it be enough?
After deliberation, Tyra makes an announcement: The girl with the best photo every week will get a chance to compete for the challenge prize, no matter how crappily she does in the challenge. I have no idea what that means, but I said it.
The callout: Jessica, Angelea, Ray, Brenda, Simone, Tatiana, Anslee, Raina, Nadua, Alexandra, Krista. That leaves Gabrielle of the Dead Eyes and Alasia of the Meanness. Shockingly, Gabrielle is sent home. Alasia gets to stay, leaving the apartment with three poisonous personalities.
“This is, like, a wake-up call, completely,” Alasia declares in the limo. Those types of declarations from Alasia are giving Ren a huge headache. She is not alone.
Nadua reveals she”s married and that she”s done international fashion weeks four times — but her stories don”t seem to match up. Nadua may be the most interesting person on the planet — or the prettiest compulsive liar.
Miss J. meets the aspiring models at a pretty building to coach them on their runway walk and pacing. Competitive Alexandra takes all the criticism in stride because, as she puts it, “I”ve had coaches yelling in my face.”
Alasia”s walk is a disaster and gets teased by J for looking like “the old black woman who keeps her hands on her purse on the subway.”
The lesson continues outside, where the girls must walk across the street while the traffic is thick. And oh: They must remember to take off a jacket while dodging cars. Ren  thinks the whole thing is silly; she also, if I recall correctly, believes she”s smarter or more mature than the rest of the house.
The runway challenge takes place at a courthouse. Designer Rachel Roy is there; the girls will be modeling her spring 2010 collection. The winner of the challenge gets to keep the clothes she models.
Simone gets hit by a pendulum but she seems to recover well. Brenda looks slinky in her skintight dress. Angelea looks like a man, baby; Krista and Jessica have near-misses with the pendulums. Alasia dodges the swinging bullets; so does Ren, but she looks a mess, girl. Anslee”s dangerous timing brings ooohs from the audience. Raina has a strong walk.
Poor Alexandra falls down the stairs, and then lets her anger at herself show all over her face and walk. It doesn”t end there. She gets hit and knocked off the runway — and screams.
So who wins? Brenda the Slinky, of course. Jessica, having been called out first at panel, also gets to keep her outfit.
Back at the house, Ren can”t take Alasia”s big mouth anymore. She tells Alasia to shut up, and Alasia looses it, threatening Ren physically. She confesses that the drama in the house may be too much for her.
The final photo shoot of the episode is a tight beauty shot with a weird product: a perfume with a disappearing paint element. There will also be wind and rain and a ghetto looking rooftop.
Alasia is up first. She practically collapses as soon as the water hits her. “Oh my gosh, I think I got water in my brain,” she says. One wonders if anything else is in there.
Natural talent Jessica gets a lot of fabric to play with; Mr. Jay seems happy. Alexandra doesn”t do so well at first, but delivers some good shots. Angelea does well; somewhere on Earth, a kitten dies.
Confident Nadua arrives next. She doesn”t do well with her face; Mr. Jay compares her to a blow-up doll. Simone and Tatianna do OK. Brenda is totally thrown by the water in her face.
Anslee manages to make Mr. Jay scream “GORRRGEOUS,” as does Raina, the favorite of the day.
Ren is a real drip on set and looks like a stray dog. “I couldn”t breathe or see,” she later moans back at the house. It appears that if it exists, whatever “it” is, it drives Ren to the brink of insanity.
Panel time — again. Alasia”s attitudinized face pleases Tyra and Andre. Alasia delivers a fabulous profile shot reminiscent of Madonna in the late 1980s. Ren arrives bearing her black cloud of sad. Her photo is miserable.
Krista delivers a stunning photo that channels Naomi Sims. Nadua”s photo delivers only exaggerated “stereotypical” drama, per the judges. Tatiana delivers vulnerable charm. Brenda looks like a man dressed up like Annie Lennox.
Jessica? Meh. The flying cloth saves her. Angelea is looking a mess, which pleases us in a peanut gallery. Alexandra has a nice shot, just not necessarily for a perfume ad. She also gets dressed down again for her disastrous runway performance.
Simone has a lovely pose with her pretty hands, but she”s encouraged to relax. And Raina is “like, damn,” and that”s a good thing, Tyra says.
The final callout: Raina, Krista, Anslee, Tatiana, Simone, Alexandra, Angelea, Alasia, Brenda, Jessica. The bottom two: Ren and Nadua. So who goes home? Nadua. Ren gets to bring the rain and storm clouds back next week. Gee. Yay.
Did the right girls go home this week?

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