Recap: ‘America’s Next Top Model’ – ‘Fortress of Fierceness’

09.17.09 8 years ago

The CW

Now that what”s-her-name from the clown baby shoot has gone, we can start getting down to bidness. It”s the NEKKID SHOOT episode of “America”s Next Top Model,” Cycle 13. Everything”s all sped up this season: makeovers, sob stories, nekkid shoots. I love living in the instant gratification era.

[Recap of Wednesday (Sept. 16) night’s “America’s Next Top Model” after the break…]

Bianca of course has no clue that she has no talent as well as no class. Whether she”ll learn that this nekkid episode I have no idea. I only know everybody gets nekkid.

Tyra Mail! Squeee! Why does everyone have to squee when they read a piece of paper on this show? Squee! I can read and catwalk at the same time! The models are taken to Wilhelmina models. OK, Nigel arrives in waiting room. NOW we all squee. Put the camera back on Nigel. Ah, there we go. 

Hey, I was wondering who the one dingbat model would be this season, the one who doesn”t know fashion but says she loves fashion. That would be Lulu. What a shame. She”s so cute. Courtney the Limper comes in next. She catwalks despite her cast; everybody loves it. She”s not the only wee model with a disadvantage. Jennifer has a wonky left eye. The Wilhelmina dude makes the eye immediately. He says that puts Jennifer in a less desirable position. I guess he never met Kate Moss.

Doe-eyed Rachel can sing as well as freak people out with her massive doe eyes. She”s asked to sing and comes up with nothing. Nice. At least she”s been working on her runway walk. 

Poor Sundai, only 5 feet 3 inches. And here comes Bianca, no hair, no charm. Nobody likes you, Bianca. The Wilhelmina dude says he”s cutting someone right there at the modeling house. It”s an elimination, not a challenge. And poor Rachel is sent packing. Big mistake, dudes. She only happens to look like everybody in this season”s Burberry campaign.

A hot Frenchy-named photographer shows up for the challenge and starts bullying the girls when we”re reminded that this really a show about Tyra, Tyra, Tyra. She shows up and dominates for the next several minutes with some sort of superhero whatnot. She banishes the photographer, who is probably not even a photographer, and then schools the models on how to stand, move and smile with one”s eyes. 

Please please Nicole tell me you can smize, smile with your eyes, because I rooooot for you so. Courtney has natural smize; let”s hope she can keep it in the next challenge. Which involves all the girls changing into hooded skin-tight space suits. The prize for the winners of this challenge: Dinner at Bazaar, which is, for the record, the world”s wildest restaurant outside of El Bulli. And their dinner date will be Wilhelmina dude. The girls are divided into pairs in a smize off. Bianca faces off against Jennifer — and wins. 

The winners get righteous dresses. The losers get weird uniform outfits. The losers are made to SERVE the winners at dinner. Harsh. Not fierce. Harsh.

Does Bianca always wear a bikini on her days off? She even assesses the dishes in the dishwasher and bitches over them in a bikini. Let”s add rage-a-holic to the list of faults under Bianca”s column. 

The scene of the next challenge: a racetrack. Turns out the nekkidness ain”t all that nekkid. The girls will be topless with wig hair and bikini pieces covering the rest. The nekkidness will come with live horses. And a jockey. Gisele Bundchen once posed nekkid on a horse. Let”s see if these chicks can show her up. Truly, if I may say so, not that tough.

Rae is up first in a blond wig. Mr. Jay likey. Jennifer comes up next and her wonky eye does not give her a Kate Moss; Mr. Jay NO likey. Brittany kicks Mr. Jay”s tiny self-important ass. 

Poor Nicole. Such a pretty girl, so overwhelmed. She cannot pose and smize so well. Ashley is a little stiff for Mr. Jay. Erin works it. Bleached eyebrows — they really help a smize. Hick Laura does well too ’cause she has a horse back home y”all. Lulu struggles. Courtney — ouch. She looks a bit Barbarella. You”d think Mr. Jay would love a little Barbarella. Apparently, not so much. 

Must we see Bianca again? I guess so. Ha, Mr. Jay no likey. Kara is up next. I heart her oontz-oontz Euro face, but the camera doesn”t. 

Go go Sundai! Go tiny girl! She looks TALL, gurl!

Panel time. Our guest judge this week is Lauren Conrad, about as qualified to be here as she is a real “clothing designer.” 

Kara”s best photo is meh. Ashley”s shot is meh. Bianca is meh. Jennifer and her wonky eye are meh. Courtney and Sundai are meh.

Lulu impresses the judges with a natural looking shot. Brittany is draped across the horse and is makin” it WERQ. Ditto with Laura and Rae. Nicole presents a photo with the world”s first “melancholy smize.” it”s all kinds of kickass — until Erin comes down and shows her shot, which is pretty legendary.

So who goes home? Well, Erin gets called first, no shocker there. The rest of the pecking order: Brittany, Laura, Nicole, Kara, Jennifer, Sundai, Rae, Lulu, Ashley.

Bianca and Courtney are in the bottom two. It”s pretty clear who should go home. To everyone but the judges. Bianca stays; Courtney and her bum foot are sent packing.

Let”s hope the judges come to their senses next episode.

How much would you give to never have to see Super Smize ever again? Or, in fact, to never hear the word “smize” ever again? 

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