9:00 p.m. ET Excellent. Tonight’s “American Idol” results show has been brought to us by “Clash of the Titans.” On Wednesday night’s “American Idol”… Titans… Will… Clash!
[Full recap of Wednesday’s (March 31) “American Idol” after the break…]
9:01 p.m. Release the Simon, y’all.
9:01 p.m. Please let tonight’s “Idol” host be Bubo… Please let tonight’s “Idol” host be Bubo… Please let tonight’s “Idol” host be Bubo…
9:02 p.m. Nuts. It’s just Ryan Seacrest or, as the Romans call him. “That twit who made Didi Benami cry.” Seriously, Seacrest, you make the Israeli girl cry on the second night of Passover? FOR SHAME.
9:03 p.m. We’re starting the show with an appearance by the Velvet Teddybear, Mr. Ruben Studdard. Ruben would win this season of “American Idol.” It’s not his fault he’s been horribly managed and poorly produced and written for. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t be a bestselling recording artist. He’s got a voice liked melted caramel.
9:07 p.m. Ruben is now a vegan and he’s working out every day. He’s still far larger than Big Mike. As Ruben puts it, “Big Mike got the pythons.”
9:08 p.m. Ruben and Clay are gonna be touring together this summer? That’s crazy. Talk about clash of the titans, yo!
9:12 p.m. This week’s Ford commercial is set to “Kung Fu Fighting” and it’s either deliriously silly or deliriously racist. I kid. It’s actually the best Ford commercial of the season. Siobhan Magnus kung-fu fighting will always be entertaining.
9:13 p.m. Michael Lynche is wearing a silly purple rat-tail. Disappointingly, Warner Brothers didn’t pay Crystal Bowersox to put snake-heads at the end of her dreds as a Medusa thing. She says something about not playing the piano because the guitar is easier to carry something around. Andrew Garcia swears he has a personality and if the judges spent more time with him, they’d know he’s a cool guy.
9:16 p.m. The “Idol” singers got to go to a screening of “Clash of the Titans,” but not the London premiere. Ryan Seacrest inaccurately calls “Clash of the Titans” a 3-D movie. See it in 2-D, y’all. It was shot in 2-D and it should be seen in 2-D.
9:17 p.m. Stool of Shame time! Lee Dewyze admits that he was proud of his own performance on Tuesday night. I liked him. The judges liked him. America liked him. Simon tells Lee that based on Tuesday, he sees him as a potential Finalist. And after all of that puffery, he’s safe. Casey James still gets the squeals from the audience and his performance was sturdy and unembarrassing. Casey doesn’t understand how he can challenge himself in the competition, but he’ll get the chance to try. He’s safe.
9:19 p.m. Aaron Kelly, who admits that he’s never really been in love, got the pimp slot for a so-so Tuesday performance. Ryan asks Simon how Aaron’s supposed to sing about love, if he’s never been in love. Simon tells Ryan to stop being Oprah Winfrey. More awkwardness from Ryan. Thanks! Simon called Aaron a cupcake and America has an appetite for cupcakes. He’s safe.
9:21 p.m. Siobhan and Katie Stevens stand together. Siobhan was awful last night and she admits that it was hard to hear that feedback. Siobhan’s explanation for her performance? “Stuff happens.” She swears she isn’t defeated. Katie was better than Siobhan last night, but she keeps getting mixed signals from the judges. Simon keeps saying Katie’s a country singer. Kara keeps saying pop-soul. Randy agrees with Kara.
9:23 p.m. The first person in our Bottom Three is… Katie. Siobhan, the “American Idol” Munch-kin, is crying.
9:24 p.m. I’m not convinced that Simon is kidding when he tells Ryan that he’s getting on his nerves. Ryan is certainly getting on my nerves.
9:27 p.m. This is all fine and well, but does anybody know when “V” is on?
9:29 p.m. Justin Bieber is in the audience. I want Justin Bubo. Someday Justin Bieber’s voice will change. Time for a performance from Usher, who has remade himself into a less sexually threatening version of the Master of Ceremonies from “Cabaret.”
9:32 p.m. Oh hi, Will.I.Am.
9:33 p.m. Next week’s theme? The Lennon & McCartney songbook. That worked well for one week the first time they did it. Then they went to the well a second consecutive week and it stunk.
9:33 p.m. Is there any singing in this Usher song? There’s a lot of shouting and auto-tuning. It’s entertaining, though.
9:38 p.m. Katie is looking lonely on her stool.
9:38 p.m. Didi wasn’t very good last night and then Ryan badgered her until she cried. Didi says that playing a guitar is a risk, because she’s new to this guitar thing. Adding insult to injury, Didi is sent to the Bottom Three.
9:39 p.m. Big Mike performed so well last night that Ellen saw Tiny Mike. She’s referring to his sensitive side. Ryan plays a joke on Big Mike and makes him think he’s in the Bottom Three. He’s not and Big Mike crushes Ryan. “I’m fine, don’t worry,” Ryan squeaks. Nobody was worried, Ryan.
9:41 p.m. Crystal is also safe and makes a joke about lifting Ryan.
9:41 p.m. There’s one place remaining in the Bottom Three. Will it go to Tim Urban or Andrew Garcia. Tim is just smiling away. Kara doesn’t get how he keeps smiling. Which part of “It’s my moneymaker” do you not understand, Kara? Tim makes a fairly impassioned speech about how every time he does this, it’s the chance of a lifetime. If he’d done that last night, he’d have gotten more votes.
9:42 p.m. Andrew is safe. Tim is in the Bottom Three again. It’s Katie, Didi and Tim.
9:43 p.m. Ryan wastes no time in sending Katie back to safety for the second consecutive week. We just like teasing Katie. Next week? Maybe Ryan will try to make her cry. Because that’s what Ryan likes to do.
9:46 p.m. Dear America, I understand superficiality, but is there any chance that you’ve protected the singer I think is cute, rather than the singer the teenage girls think is cute? TEAM DIDI!
9:48 p.m. Tim is just smiling away. Didi looks ready to cry.
9:49 p.m. But enough of Didi, let’s talk about Diddy. I’m amazed he’s never appeared on “Idol” before. I would listen to a Diddy vs. Didi mash-up.
9:51 p.m. If you need me, I’m having a seizure. Thanks, Diddy!
9:53 p.m. Diddy rushes down and gives hugs to all of the judges. He tips his hat to the “Idol” Finalists and thanks the “Idol” crew.
9:57 p.m. Results time!!!! Tim is still smiling.
9:58 p.m. The person going home (in theory) is… Didi Benami.
9:58 p.m. The judges’ don’t tell Didi that she’s done and they let her sing “Rhiannon.” She sounds good and looks beautiful. I can’t figure how the judges would use the Judges’ Save on her, but I’d use my Recappers’ Save. In my living room, it’s unanimous.
10:00 p.m. Simon hems. And haws. “It’s bad news, sweetheart,” Simon tells her. Poor Didi.
10:01 p.m. I’m sad.
10:02 p.m. That’s three straight women sent home. And Katie’s now done two straight weeks in the Bottom Three. Season of the Girls my buttocks.
10:03 p.m. We — and by “we” I mean “I” — will miss you, Didi.
So did the American People make the right call? And did the judges do the right thing by not saving Didi? And what’s up with all of the women going home this season?