Thursday’s (Aug. 12) “Big Brother” elimination episode offers a win-lose situation. On one hand, either Rachel or Brendon is going home, which means that the show’s most annoying showmance will be torn asunder and relative sanity can once again rule in the house. On the other hand, Brendon and Rachel are good for drama, even if that drama sometimes takes the form of Rachel irrationally ranting and Kathy on Wednesday’s show for having the temerity to be happy about a successful performance in a challenge. Losing that lovey-dovey romance? Good thing. Losing that drama? Probably not ideal…
Who actually went home? Click through for a minute-by-minute recap of the festivities from the hamster house…
8:00 p.m. I can’t decide if Brendon’s POV speech was a brilliant piece of misdirection and strategy, or if Britney is just so hyper-sensitive that ploys that wouldn’t work on anybody else can shake her to her adorable foundation. We’re about to find out… I really hope that Britney stays strong, because I don’t know if I can deal with more weeks of listening to Rachel and her nasal bray.
8:03 p.m. Julie Chen, shoulders oddly partly covered, teases us that this will be the second straight week that a showmance has come to an end. Oh right. I forgot about Hayden and Kristen.
8:04 p.m. Brendon knows how to commit to a bit. After Britney decided not to use the PoV on anybody, the hamsters are still shocked by Brendon’s words. “This is just like that scene from ‘The Cable Guy,'” Ragan says of Brendon’s outburst. It’s been too long since I’ve seen “Cable Guy.” I’ll take Ragan’s word for it. Britney calls Brendon “spawn of Satan” and announces that he has to leave the house. Rachel, meanwhile, takes Brendon off to the storage room. He tells the camera that he sees the potential that she could be his wife or the mother of his children.
8:06 p.m. “ThAt, aLOne, mAkeS BrENdOn the mOST amAZing, spEciAl perSOn that I’ve EVEr mEt,” Rachel blubbers to the camera. Brendon meanwhile admits that people may think he’s an idiot, but that “if giving up half-a-million dollars for the person you love makes you an idiot, I guess I’m an idiot.”
8:07 p.m. Britney pulls Rachel aside and tells her that Brendon doesn’t like women and that her biggest mistake in the game was teaming up with Brendon. Rachel cries sympathetically, as Britney reassures her and calls Rachel a really smart game player. How weird.
8:08 p.m. Britney wants to make sure, though, that The Brigade also is ready to get Brendon out. Because if there’s any way of attracting Enzo to your cause, it’s by accusing another guy of misogyny. Meanwhile, the men of the Brigade continue to be amazed that nobody has noticed them. Enzo is perplexed that the two scientists don’t understand the rules of gravity in the house. “We decides who stays and who goes,” Enzo declares.
8:10 p.m. In the HoH room, Ragan is telling Matt that he wants Brendon out. Like Matt cares. That night, it’s hammock time for Rachel with Britney and Ragan, which is all part of Brendon’s master plan. Ragan, though, is skeptical of Rachel, blaming her for being involved in every one of the house’s arguments. He tells Rachel that she isn’t a good sport, prompting more blubbering and passive-aggressive behavior from Rachel.
8:13 p.m. Playing the White Knight as Dark Knight, Brendon storms over and bellows at Ragan. Brendon and Ragan get into a shouting match that devolves (pun intended) into a shouting match about the proper pronunciation of “Neanderthal.”
8:14 p.m. The Brigade gets together and they decide that Brendon would actually have a huge target on his back if they keep him around. They don’t see Brendon as a strong competitor and they think they’d be better off voting Rachel out. “It’s like this game is so crazy,” Enzo muses.
8:19 p.m. So far, Ragan has managed to go undetected as Saboteur. Ummm… Because he hasn’t done anything? We get to, once again, witness the spectacle of Ragan going through Facebook and Twitter suggestions. The first suggestion involves giving Britney an icy bikini. Anything involving the words “Britney” and “bikini” sounds good to me, but Ragan passes. He’s much more interested in the second suggestion, which involves hinting to the houseguests that the person going home might not be leaving.
8:21 p.m. The Saboteur announces that “True love does conquer all” and warns them about splitting their votes. Brendon and Rachel are overjoyed. “OMIgod, I aM FREAKING oUt,” Rachel squeals. “ThEsE pEOple trIEd to get betwEEn mE and mY mAn and you dOn’t get betwEEn mE and My maN,” she says. We know this, because every single eliminated contestant this season has apparently tried to get between her and her man.
8:22 p.m. Matt is worried about the potential for craziness. “I love it!,” cackles Ragan, practically counting his $20,000. If nothing else, Britney is now skeptical that anybody is going home.
8:23 p.m. Going live now, Julie Chen flashes back to last week’s HoT competition, with its splashes of paint. Lane says something uninteresting. Julie quickly changes gears to Matt, who says that “The risk was not worth the reward,” when it came to Pandora’s Box. Kathy again makes it clear that she didn’t owe Rachel an apology for her Wednesday theatrics.
8:25 p.m. We’re at the half-way point in the game! Julie asks who the most underestimated player left in the game is. Matt says Kathy. Lane says Ragan. Britney says Ragan. Enzo says Hayden. Ragan says himself. Kathy says Ragan. Hayden thinks it’s Britney. Rachel thinks everybody is underestimated. And Brendon agrees that it’s Britney. And me? I think everybody’s been underestimating Monet. Oh. Wait.
8:29 p.m. OK. I’ll admit it. I’m looking forward to seeing Brendon’s ex-fiance. God, I hope she’s a busty redhead with a wicked annoying voice!
8:30 p.m. Close enough. Candice, Brendon’s fiance, is a classy lass. She broke up with Brendon because he was trying to change who she was. Mia, Candice’s mom, agrees that Brendon is “emotional” and “dramatic.” Mia drops the bomb on Brendon by saying that when the family watches the show, they’re relieved that Candice didn’t marry him. BOOM. ROASTED. “Brendon doesn’t want you to be yourself. He wants you to be how he wants,” Candice says. She warns Rachel to prepare for the emotional rollercoaster and for being “emotionally drained.” Candice declares herself Team Rachel and worries that Rachel is blinded by Brendon’s good looks.
8:32 p.m. Dang. I’m totally Team Candice.
8:32 p.m. Last pleas to the jury: Rachel says she’s fought really hard and she thanks everybody for the competition, especially her True Love Brendon. For his part, Brendon outs Matt for lying about Pandora’s Box. He says that the game is about being “real” and “genuine” and “unique.” Is that what “Big Brother” is about? He compares himself to being a witch in Salem, saying that he and Rachel were persecuted for being who he is. Time for the votes to be cast into the crucible.
8:34 p.m. Enzo votes to evict Rachel. Britney also votes to evict “tequila vomit hundred dollar bills,” Rachel. Kathy follows suit. So Brendon was a tool for nothing. “Well, he got the witch part right. I vote to evict Rachel,” Ragan announces, sealing Rachel’s fate. It’s unanimous. Rachel is heading home. Oh goody. Get it? “The Crucible”? Goody? Nevermind.
8:38 p.m. Eventually CBS is going to have to stop running “Feces My Dad Says” ads featuring replaced co-star Ryan Devlin, right?
8:40 p.m. The time has come to split up the lovebirds… Rachel takes her elimination with thin lips and barely any reaction. Brendon also resists the desire to swear profusely. “You better be ready… All of you…” Brendon threatens, as he removes his pants.
8:42 p.m. “I’m not shocked. The houseguests were scared of me as a competitor,” Rachel tells Julie. “They got me and I have to say that they’re scared of me,” Rachel repeats when Julie asks why she didn’t say good-bye to anybody. “I honestly think they’re just scared of me,” is also Rachel’s reaction when Julie asks why Brendon’s plan didn’t work. What does the future hold? Rachel says she’ll probably move to LA.
8:44 p.m. “Vegas, baby” is Matt’s response. Enzo says that Rachel was an amazing competitor and he wishes they were on the same team. “The thing I’ll miss most about you Rachel is your hair extensions,” Britney roars. Hayden philosophically notes that if Brendon and Rachel are for real, that’ll be worth more than a half-million dollars. Somewhere Jeff and Jordan are all, “But it’s even better if you can have the love *and* the money.” “You’re something that comes along once in a lifetime,” Brendon tells Rachel. Somewhere, Candice is doubled over in laughter.
8:45 p.m. “This may not be the last you’ve seen of the Big Brother house,” is Julie’s last word to Rachel. Ugh.
8:46 p.m. I could live on Bologna and Bran Muffins for a week. Eggplant and Escargot might be a little strange. And turnips and tofu? Well, that might add some protein and texture to the slop. So, once again, the Have-Nots will have totally acceptable food alternatives. Just because things are a little weird and a little alliterative doesn’t mean they’re bad.
8:50 p.m. Time for a Head of Household competition I fear we won’t finish.
8:51 p.m. The hamsters have to weave themselves through a giant web. The winner will also get to pick three hamsters to be Have-Nots next week. Can the contestants hear the jaunty banjo that we’re getting? And why are there chickens caught in this web?
8:53 p.m. Who’s in the lead? Who knows?
8:55 p.m. Our last live look-in on the hamsters gives no indication of who is headed to the HoH room.
8:56 p.m. As fake rain pours down on the contestants, it’s off to “Big Brother After Dark” to find out who won…
Are you relieved that Rachel was sent home? Are you disappointed that “Big Brother” didn’t pull the most shocking twist yet and replace Rachel with Candice? I sure am…